u/gardenhead23

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Aka: how I pavlov'd myself

When I'm in a period of particularly bad burnout, I get worse alexithymia, my head becomes one big buzz of thoughts and feelings that I can't fully identify, nor cope with. As such, I turn to constant distraction, 24/7. Not allowing myself a single second without at least some kind of podcast or YouTube vid.

Problem is, not only does this not this allow me to actually process my thoughts and feelings, but when I'm already burnt out, it's even more sensory input and overload. I don't get silence, I'm always taking in information and it's all just too much.

At first I started timing 5 minute silences for myself, slowly growing that time. But it felt intimidating, and I often found myself wanting to be productive during that time, not just counting down the minutes until I could distract again

So I devised a plan...

I found a youtube video called "10 hours of silence occasionally interrupted by 'what the dog doin?' "

My thinking, is that this would allow me to have silence and no sensory or informational input, but in a way that felt less intimidating, and entraining in it's absurdity.

And it worked! It did exactly that. It allowed me to have time to think, to feel, to be productive and not have constant information thrown at me.. And every now and then I'd hear a "what the dog doin?" and I'd laugh at how ridiculous this was.

The problem?

I did this so much, and for long enough, that I have essentially pavlov'd myself.

During those silences I found myself often waiting for the next "what the dog doin?". And before this, I wasn't experiencing silence at all.

I started to fundamentally associate silence, with expecting to randomly hear a "what the dog doin?".

I would find myself out on a walk, pausing my music, taking my earbuds out to hear and appreciate the birdsong..... And I'm expecting it... Following me.

It's been MONTHS since I last put that video on, and still, I feel it there, I'm waiting for it. It doesn't matter here I am, what the situation is... If I'm not listening to something, a part of me is waiting and expecting a "what the dog doin?"

I have broken my brain, I so hope this fades with time. It's very fucking funny and absurd, but my god what have I done.....

Due to a combination of bottom dysphoria (that I didn't even know about till later in life) and social isolation, due to also not knowing I was autistic till later in life, and the trauma involved with that, I'm 33 years old and I've never experienced intimacy. And the fact that I haven't, and the desire to, is on my mind to a maddening degree, and I wish it would just stop.

It's to the point where one of the main reasons I'm considering estrogen is that it might reduce libido, but then I also feel like my libido wouldn't be an issue if I were sexually active.

Similarly, there's a good chance e could effect my ability to get or maintain an erection, something I wouldn't want to happen before I even get the chance to be sexually active.

But God damn it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up, it's the last thing on my mind when I go to bed, and how sad I am that I've never experienced intimacy. And I don't want to feel that way.

I'm also sorry for anyone else in a similar boat. I don't want to feel too sorry for myself here, I know I'm not the only one experiencing something like this.