this is my first time opening moon 6 and my box came with 5 URs and 5 LSRs, nothing higher. should I have expected something more rare or is this a normal pull rate for moon 6? thank you!!
what the title says.
also to consider, I am a late diagnosed autistic.
over my life I’ve had probably 5-6 “crushes”, but I’m honestly not sure if they were limerance. I have alexithymia so I struggle a lot to identify and understand my own feelings. my crushes have always been quite obsessive, creating imaginary scenarios in my head and in the case where they were my friends, fully hyperfixating and wanting to interact at every possible opportunity.
I’ll also admit that I feel I do have some asexual tendencies, though I’m not sure where I draw the line as I have no experience: I just know I’m not at all attracted to male bodies or genitals (they gross me out) and find aesthetic appeal in female bodies, but I’m not sure if I’m sexually attracted to them. in terms of romantic feelings, I also have no relationship experience, but in the past everyone I’ve thought I liked was someone I had been friends/acquainted with first: never a purely physical thing (so maybe demiromantic? I don’t know)
the closest I got to a relationship in the past was in my senior year of school, when a guy I thought I liked started making moves on me (holding my hand, putting his head on my shoulder in class) and I immediately got the ick and stopped liking him, to the point I was resentful and hating being around him. now I’m not sure if that was because I am 1) touch averse and have a history of boys/men touching me without asking, 2) have avoidant attachment (I definitely feel I do), or am 3) just entirely lesbian. at the time I took this as being a lesbian and identified as such for multiple years, even though something still wasn’t sitting quite right with that label. I’ve been going by queer for the past year or so because it’s just too confusing to explain.
now this past year has been the most confusing time for me with this problem.
after bonding over a hyperfixation we shared, I redeveloped a crush on my friend (NB AFAB, more fem-leaning) who I used to have a crush on several years ago, and I was fully obsessed with them for maybe 3 months. I thought they were really cute, I loved the idea of being together, initiated closeness (which I normally am uncomfortable with) and wanted to get to know them better, as we didn’t talk much outside of our interests. I had some sexual thoughts and I was mostly into them but sometimes felt weird about it. there were a few times I genuinely thought they liked me back but at a point I realised that I was totally reading it wrong. the crush faded really fast after we stopped being hyperfixated on the same thing. so I feel like it may have been driven by that bonding and not been a crush at all? I have seen them since the crush faded and I feel literally nothing at all that I was feeling before.
after this, I started texting more with another friend that I haven’t spent much time with irl (NB AMAB, more masc-leaning) and we’ve bonded a lot over similar interests and talking about literally anything. I felt instantly drawn in and understood and happy that I had someone to talk to so often, as most of my friends don’t have conversations with me over text anymore. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point over the months I think I developed a crush on them and looked forward to talking every day. I was weirded out by myself and fought against the feelings because of my feminine leaning preferences, but then I gave up and just let it happen.
my problem lies in the fact that some days I am so happy and really think I like them and feel happy that they are giving vibes that they like me back, but then the next day I’m really weirded out and want to avoid them at all costs. I even had a few days where I could barely eat and couldn’t sleep because I felt so ill about my feelings (this has passed, but the like/avoid cycle continues). it’s such a push and pull of emotions. I do really like them as a person; I love their personality and think they are amazing, I like being close with them, I can imagine doing romantic gestures, and I find them cute most of the time. but when they show more masculine traits, it gives me a foul reaction 90% of the time. I have some sexual thoughts but I am very confused about them, because I really don’t like the thought of it outside of the intimacy.
I really don’t know what to do here. I’d like to give it a shot and see what happens, but I also fully understand the outcomes of doing that: if they like me and I don’t actually like them, I’ll feel horrible. but I also don’t want to give them hope that I like them by continuing to keep talking to them so consistently (we have full conversations daily). I really love talking :( I’ve avoided flirtation most of the time even when I’ve wanted to just because I don’t want to lead anyone on.