u/gdgfhvdseg

Help me. Help. Help me. Help me. Why is so terrifying. Why is so terrifying. I can't take it. I can't take it. I can't take it. Is this my house? I can't. Why is everything so terrifying. Why is the universe so terrifying. Why do we exist? Why does anything exist? I don't want. I don't want. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why is it happening. Why is it happening again. Please. Please. I can't. I can't. Why. Why does it need to happen now. I can't do this. Why is so terrifying. I can't think about anything. I can't talk. I can't think.

I am crying right now. I have had severe, constant DPDR since around the age of around 10. Several mental and developmental disorders and physical disabilities. Strongly suspected Schizotypal. I have barely felt like I'm alive in my life. I'm like the ghost in the machine. Can I even be counted as conscious? Am I conscious? I remember my childhood poorly and I feel like I became me or gained "consciousness" somewhere in primary school, yet I also lost it. I realized, yesterday or a day ago, that I do things on autopilot. I move and go on autopilot, scratch my head, and think, did I decide to do this? I turned my head to look at the window right now. Did I decide to do this? Are those my choices? Do I make any choices in this life? Do I have any freedom, can I decide anything? Am I writing this on autopilot? Even something more significant, do I actually choose to do it? I don't feel like a person. How can I have a a character, a personality if I act automatically. How can I be a friend, I resemble a chat-bot. I don't know how much authenticity and truth there's to my actions and words. I say things automatically. Reply automatically. Engage in a dialogue automatically. What does it mean to unmask if it was there from the beginning? My body and mind are not my own. I can't control anything. Is there any value to my life? Do I live? Should I live? Everything is deeply terrifying.