r/ExistentialOCD

Everyday for the entire day it feels like a nightmare, I wake up, open my eyes, and immediately feel like my existence gets stuck in a tunnel. Everything feels 2d and I'm scared that I'm hallucinating everything, almost like a Boltzmann brain. I feel 100% detached from the world, I'm scared this is a simulation and I'm the only real person. I don't know what I am, where I am, what this is, I feel completely lost. I am so scared of existing and death, there is no safe space. I'm scared this is a simulation because then when I die someone can just unplug it and I will be gone forever, completely erased.

It seems like society is all zombies just working all day, watching shows, achieving "goals" that mean nothing, but I do the same thing, so what is there to do? Even if everyone was "real" in the sense that they have a consciousness, they aren't. If there isn't a "soul" or a "god" then we are all just chemicals, atoms and neurons, and whatever other materialistic things that make up the universe. Love, feelings, happiness, thoughts, aren't real. They are just chemicals and atoms. We are all "zombies"

Which would then mean everything that I feel isn't real either which makes me feel empty and alone, I want things to be real. I wish I could feel like everything's okay but I don't. And I truly think it is. I wish god was real or some type of creator with good intentions but all religion seems man-made. I don't know anything and nobody does, all I can feel is fear.

I'm scared of death and I'm scared to live, to exist or not to exist is terrifying. As I'm writing this I feel completely detached, I'm confused and scared. It feels like some distorted movie that I'm looking at. I don't feel like I'm experiencing it - it's just happening. It feels so surreal that I can see anything, and I am existing at this very moment. I wish I knew what I'm experiencing but I don't have an answer, I wish someone had an answer. I'm scared of the universe when I die what's going to happen, just nothing forever? I don't want to be nothing forever, but I don't want to be something forever, forever is terrifying. Everything seems scary and I don't know what I want.

That whole text above is what I wrote in my journal - that's how I feel.

For backstory, I've had these thoughts since I was 10. I started thinking about death and the universe and I started freaking out, this lasted for around 6 months. I was put on Zoloft and I was on it for 5 years until this year, 8 months ago I stopped it cold turkey,

I read that it affected height, and I'm short which also has something to do with my depression and isolation. This whole year I've been home all the time, I don't go to school, barely see friends, I've basically been bed rotting the past year.

The Zoloft helped for 2 years, although when I think back I was still scared of everything, and I don't know when my dpdr started. But I think it really went downhill last summer I smoked weed for the first time with my cousin and had a panic attack, I thought I was going to die, my chest was warm, my body got tingly, and that started another existential problem for me. It then feels like a blur since then.

Around a month and a half ago I was up all night, I drank an energy drink and I was standing in the living room with my mom and I thought how I felt so disconnected from everything, I went back to my room and my heart rate went to the sky, I had a crazy panic attack, went to the ER, and ever since then it's been getting worse and worse.

I went to a new psychiatrist 2 weeks ago he prescribed me Prozac, hydroxyzine, and propranolol, when I went to the ER they told me I had an irregular heartbeat and I read online I shouldn't take those medications while on it. So everyday I was checking myself, my heart would feel weird, I would freak out, and go to the ER. I've been to the ER twice since I had the panic attack 2 months ago.

I'm scared I'm going to lose my mind, my uncle and grandpa both had schizophrenia, I'm scared that the weed might have brought it out and I'm becoming schizophrenic. I just started therapy 2 weeks ago, I'm not sure what kind of therapy and if he specializes in cases like mine. I want to switch therapists.

I also see videos on TikTok that freak me out, like an illuminati conspiracy theory and all the comments are talking about how we're in a simulation, I saw one video that used science and a study to prove that we're in a simulation and that still stuck with me. There's more I could write but this is getting wayyy too long, I just need help, I'm very scared and very confused.

I'm outside and it feels like I have brain damage, I'm completely detached, I feel like I'm forgetting things, I feel like I'm half conscious, I don't know what's going on

One of the best advice I heard about great ideas is from Stephen King. He said "a writer's notebook is the best way in the world to immortalize bad ideas". It means that great ideas keep popping up in your mind because they won't let you go and that it's important. It can be applied even to other aspects of life, business idea or a any kind of project. If the idea is truly good it will stick around, like a rash until you do something about it. It literally speaks to you and wants to come to life.

Do you have anything in your life which is stuck like a gum in your thoughts? Do you have unfinished goals or dreams? Does something bother you to the point you can't sleep?

It's your moral and personal duty to address it. If you want to live in peace with yourself, you can't ignore the highest voice you have in you - your consciousness. That's the voice that keeps talking and you ought to listen to it. If not, well...you can see for yourself what will happen. Nothing good. I can promise that.

So what will you do about the voice? Will you keep ignoring it or will you finally heed to its cries?

I’m almost 35. I have a good job, a few close friends, and honestly, I’m not missing anything obvious. My physical health is good and I’m financially okay. But mentally… not so much.

My days off are the worst days for me, because I feel like I can’t focus on anything enough to enjoy it. I feel anxious when I’m not working. There’s this brain fog, almost like a lack of serotonin.

I think philosophically a lot. I used to believe in Christ, but I stopped believing because I started to understand how people and societies work. Still, there are times when I pray when I feel intense sadness at night, almost as if something inside me wishes that Christ is real.

I feel anxious about the people close to me. They are getting older. I feel anxious that I’ll be left behind. Other people are starting families and having children, while I still haven’t found a girlfriend. I had a relationship, but I ended it.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve fallen behind in life. Like I’m still 20 years old, wanting my interests to be movies, video games, and anime, but it’s not really like that anymore. Either I’ve gotten bored of them, or even when I haven’t, I can’t enjoy them because something inside me says: “You’re almost 35 and you’re living like you’re 20. You don’t have a girlfriend, while other people around you are raising children.”

Then I get this sudden harsh feeling of being forced back into reality. I feel like time is running out and that I’ll end up alone.

On top of all this, I also struggle with other thoughts, like why we exist, whether God exists, whether we are living in a simulation, whether only I exist as a conscious being, or whether other people also have a separate consciousness like I do. Basically, solipsism.

And what if consciousness continues after death and it’s something bad?

Yes, I’m in therapy with a psychologist, but I don’t know. I’m just tired.