Third Shift Thoughts
Dear S,
I don’t know why I think of you at 3:00 in the morning.
We haven’t spoken in about 15 years.
Maybe it’s because I never got closure?
I mean, you were literally my first friend, we were tight as could be, we went through so much together, but once you reached a certain age your mom decided that it wasn’t appropriate for a boy to have such close girl friends and she made it so we stopped hanging out.
It felt like one day you were at my house or I was at yours, since we lived across the street from each other, every day.
Then one day
You were gone.
Just like that.
I missed you.
I think I still do in some way.
I definitely regret the fact that we didn’t get to finish growing up together.
I still remember your birthday. Kind of hard to forget since you’re almost exactly two months older than me.
There are so many details about you and your life that I remember, from preschool to the time in our lives when we parted. I don’t know if you, or if anyone really, remembers me that well.
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you have the same regrets that I do?
Does any of this matter to anyone but me?
I have no way of knowing.
I feel like I have so many questions for you.
Where are you these days?
Where did you go to college?
What did you decide to do with your life?
Did you find someone to share your life with?
Do you still like sports as much as you used to?
Do your parents still live in our home town?
Are you happy?
God, I hope you’re happy.
I really, really want you to be happy, wherever you are.
I want life to have been good to you, because you deserve it.
In my own kid way, I loved you.
Not romantically, though you were my first crush, but I think the word that I’d use to describe how I felt about you back then would be love.
Is there a better way to describe deep affection, admiration, and respect even if it’s just platonic?
I think that part of me still loves you.
All of me wants the best for you, wherever you are.
I have no idea how to find you.
I’m not on Facebook or instagram these days.
I don’t even know how I’d start looking.
I don’t know what I’d say to you if I found you.
Maybe you wouldn’t want to be found.
Maybe I’ll just live with never knowing.
In case this reaches you somehow, here’s my update.
Life wasn’t kind to me when you knew me, and that unfortunately didn’t change much. I’ve had ups and downs and I’m still trying to make the best of it.
You didn’t know this about me, but I was sick the entire time you knew me. Yeah, even when we were toddlers. I’m still sick today and I always will be. I use a wheelchair now because of it. I’m sure that would surprise you.
It’s not so bad, really. Do you remember how I was always so slow in school? How I hated running? I’m strong and fast now in a way I never was when we were kids.
I still love airplanes, though my illness means I never got to fly them. I got one tattooed next to my heart instead.
I ended up studying medicine and moving to the city where your dad is from, all the way across the country from where we grew up. I’m still there. I really love it. I might never leave. Sometimes I think about you when I’m in certain parts of town.
I love medicine, too. So much. It filled a hole in my life and gave me purpose at a time when I really needed it. It’s one of the things that brings me the most joy in life.
I met a nice guy and ended up marrying him. We’ve been together for almost nine years and we’re still really happy. He’s definitely one of the things in my life that’s gone the most right.
I still keep to myself a lot. I guess that some old habits die hard and some old wounds never heal fully.
I did grow into myself, though. People who know me nowadays describe me as bubbly, energetic, outgoing, charismatic, and warm. I smile a lot more and I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin. I think you’d be happy to know that.
I grew into quite the nerdy intellectual as well, which I’m sure would be no surprise to you. I read like it’s going out of style and am always learning. My mind overflows with useless facts and random trivia and more hobbies than is probably healthy for a person, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The fact that I have a filing cabinet instead of a brain is something I tend to use to my advantage, though it definitely has its pros and cons.
I don’t talk to my family much. There are some good reasons for that.
Although I’ve had a hard go of it, I’m still optimistic. I still believe in the good, both in life and in people. I still find things to live for. I always have. I always will.
Wherever you are,
Have a good life.
Be well.
And more than anything,
Be happy.
Love,
N