u/gillette_fusion_5

Hi, I don't really know where I'm going with this post but I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support.

I've been in this strange mixed episode since june and I can't seem to get out of it. I'm taking my meds, going to therapy and trying to go on with my life but I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind because I'm constantly stuck between euphoria and complete and utter rage and devastation. Some days are so good I feel so grateful, happy and simply over the moon but all of a sudden everything turns sour and I can't stand anything. I feel enraged by anything and nothing at once and even though I'm trying to keep busy and do the things I usually love, sometimes it feels absolutely pointless. Everything is so boring when it doesn’t feel amazing. At night I lay awake but my mind is empty. I feel restless but I don't want to do anything. And I feel so, so alone. I'm slowly crawling away and isolating myself but I crave human interaction until I have a chance to meet someone and then I don't show up because I can't be bothered. I'm constantly fantasising with the idea of death. That thought comes to my mind every day and it's sort of comforting.

I must admit that I haven't talked about this with my psychiatrist, in part because I'm stuck on this wishful thinking that it'll pass eventually on its own, but it's already September and I'm not getting any better. But I don't see how this could be solved with additional meds. I truly feel this is how I'm supposed to be right now, that I must endure in order to achieve the final state of being but, of course, this isn't something that could be easily understood by someone apart from me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just wanted to ask what you do to cope with this situation.

I am quite desperate here and I need your help. I've been in a manic episode (Bipolar 1) for a few months and I've been smelling smoke almost everyday (it only happens when I'm manic). It's awful because I can also feel it in my throat, as if I'm really inhaling it. I don't know how to get rid of it and it's driving me actually insane (even more than I already am). Does it happen to you too and do you know what to do to make it stop? I need any advice you can give.

Today I had my usual appointment with my psychiatrist and I had a lot of trouble discussing my manic symptoms because, firtstly, I don't really feel that I am, and secondly, I don't want to feel judged. Don't get me wrong, my psychiatrist is really nice and he has helped me a lot but I feel he won't get it and I don't want him to try and change my mind so it's really difficult talking about how I'm feeling. He pushed me with questions and I ended up talking about this thing I'm experiencing, how I'm feeling really in tune with the universe and feeling like it's giving me the energy I need to exist. I told him I've been seeing a lot of things that are connected to me personally and he thinks it's just a big coincidence because I'm setting my mind to find those things. He said that I should focus on tangible and real things so I don't spiral and then he upped my antipsychotics. I, of course, do not feel I'm doing anything wrong here and I don't really get why he's like this. My boyfriend thinks the same as him so... I don't know, what I wanted to ask is if you ever not tell things to other people or your psychiatrist because you're afraid of what they'll think of you?