u/gingeralep

My (27f) husband (30m) asked to divorce me. We have been together 6 years on and off. The worst part of it is that it is not the first time, it’s been like twice now. I give him the benefit of the doubt and feel he has changed, believe his words, go to couple’s therapy, put a lot of effort on how to make it work only to then discard me like nothing. Seemingly out of nowhere. I had to cancel our therapy sessions and our therapist said she was equally as surprised.

First time he left was about 2 years ago. He had packed his bags already, was only going to leave me a letter but his friend convinced him not to, and just said this was something he had to do. I cried and begged for a second chance and he said he had to leave. “For us”. I thought we could work it out, but during this time I went crazy. I was so traumatized by the sudden change. I had never experienced anything like that before. My attachment to him was so severe, and I struggled so much with my anxiety. It was bad. I learned he was doing such reckless things and never once reached out to me during that year we were apart on how I was doing or anything. I realized I had to move on so I tried. I felt like I found myself again and felt stable enough. I had moved to a different place, got my own car, was living closer to friends, and then he reached out to me on our anniversary. He was far away so we tried long distance first and then about 8 months later we moved in together. He moved back to our home state and I thought things were finally normal. I thought we were working towards breaking the pattern. I knew it’d be hard because he had so much anger and I was anxious about him leaving again but we were going to therapy. I thought it was working.

This time he left he said he resented me and hated me. The last month he had been growing increasingly angrier towards me. Yelling at me more and using foul language when frustrated. The last argument we had he came to me on a rage and said he wanted a divorce and i’m not going to change his mind.

I got us an apartment under my name since he destroyed his credit the last time he left and is still trying to fix it. I got a second job cause he promised this time he’d stick around forever. So I believed him. He’s been in between jobs since I met him, but I thought it was normal. It’s only been 3 months since we moved in together and he got a job he liked about 2 months ago via his parents that I thought he’d stick with but now he’s trying to get sabbatical so he can go upstate again for a month. He did this last time too. Always the same thing. Quits job and goes upstate and “finds himself again in nature” and then finds new job again through his parents, new relationship, hookups, failed relationships, and last part was when he reached out to me.

Every time he leaves he makes me believe that I am solely the problem. I destroyed his life, his routine, his stability, his friendships, his money. Now he’s telling our friends that the only way he’d get back together with me was if he got hit by a train and got memory loss. That he hates me. That last time he left is because he had to and still had love for me but this time he hates me. Such hurtful words from someone I thought loved and cared for me, respected me. I heard he was smiling and looked happy the other day by one of our neighbors. I left to our friends apartment cause I couldn’t be there. He’s still trying to figure out what to do but it seems he wants to stay in my neighborhood this time.

I feel so so so so much shame, I thought i’d never be like this, that i’ll never beg a man, that I can be by myself. I start to believe that I am all those things he said about me, and ruined his life, that it was only me. I did it. I was too mean, too controlling, not understanding. He’s saying he’s free, got rid of me, and that he’s happy he stood his ground against me and left me. I don’t know what to do. I feel i’m the one being irrational for having too many feelings since he’s seemingly doing great and i’m not. I don’t know how to stop feeling bad and embarrassed. No one in our circle was surprised, I was warned that it would happen again but I believed him instead. So much shame.

Now I feel powerless since I feel this time he’s gone for good and I will never say my side. I feel blindsided again.

How did you stop it?