I don't want to write RE-NEET.
I'm a dropper. I don't want to write RENEET.
I understand this may be some god given chance or whatever to improve my score. But I don't want to give it anymore. It's simply just asking me for too much - push through the exhaustion, regain my momentum, study hard, and risk failure again.
All for what? A degree? A job?
If I fail the same exam twice a year, as a dropper, my self esteem will NEVER be the same. No matter what I do in life it'll take me years to recover from the trauma.
Medicine was my passion. WAS. After all the chaos, I can't find joy in it anymore. I want to vomit at the thought of having to study that hard in college and even in PG.
The doctor dream is dead. They killed it.
They took the greatest job in the world and they ruined it.
Medicine at the end of the day is just a job. I don't have big aspirations for wealth. I just want enough money to buy novels and occasional joyous splurging (like a vacation every now and then). And there's easier ways to achieve this I believe.
I wanted to save lives but I'm trying to save myself first.
What will I do now, then? I don't know. I have my IISER exam on 7th. Other options are economics (my mother studied that and I find it kind of interesting).
But honestly, I just feel dead inside. I feel suicidal every day but I've told myself to wait until December 31st 2026 when I'll be in some or the other college. If things haven't gotten better by then, I just might go through with it. I might. I don't know.