idk what to feel man
So, for starters i met a guy about two years ago through online friends. We hit it off and get together cause we were literally just dumb teenagers, i had no idea what real relationships are or how long distance works and it was one hell of a relationship. 16 year old me faced the worst of my fears in a relationship, 17 year old me hated herself because she believed she was too dramatic and finally learnt her self worth and decided to leave. A few months before my 18th i broke up with him.
He reached out and i kept responding cause i genuinely love him and i spent my most important teenage years with him. That's not the issue. He convinced the 18 year old me that he has changed and is a better person and he wants a chance. Out of love i gave him the chance. And he really has changed. He has become a whole different person i don't have to beg him for basic decency and he honestly learnt to process his emotions, he says i made him a better person and he changed cause he hated to see me cry.
The problem is, even though i love him, i can't accept this relationship anymore. Idk if its a trauma response or what but every time he does something sweet i just think about the past ehat he did to hurt me and why he couldn't be the person i wanted him to be at that time. It's like, me last year would be fawning over this side of him but me right now? I just feel very numb. I don't get hurt, i don't feel happy, I'm really emotionally checked out. But at the same time it's really hard for me to leave again and to explain everything to him because I don't want him to stop growing and improving as a person and i don't want him to make more bad decisions.
All this is really fucking up my mind because i want him. I really do. But i don't want to be with him anymore.
Some idk advice or insight would be great honestly