How to set boundaries to mom without feeling guilt and fear? Enmeshed Daughter
Hello all, I am a 28 year old female who has been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety lately because of my mom (56 yr old). I have been reading a lot about enmeshment so I thought my situation would get better feedback here. Sorry if this is long.
All my life since I was a child, my mom has dealt with anxiety and depression. I remember when I was young (around 6/7 yrs old) I would wake up in the middle of the night to my mom at the edge of the bed crying and having panic attacks. I would sit next to her and just be there by her side while she would try different breathing techniques to calm herself down. That went for a couple of years until my mom got a call from school letting her know she would need to take me to a psychologist because I was experiencing anxiety and nervousness due to her being alone at home, since my dad would work all day being a truck driver. Ever since then, my mom tried to become better and overcome the anxiety and depression.
When I turned 20 yrs old, I was still living at my parents house, I came out to them as gay and let them know I had a relationship. They of course were supportive, however, when I started bringing my girlfriend around or hanging out with her, my mom would treat her with passive-aggressive comments and would try to control everything I did and where I went with my gf. Eventually over time everything changed and she apologized to my gf and now loves her.
Fast forward to now, I have been stressed, anxious and guilty lately because my mom has been having health issues regarding her thyroid, to which she has gone to multiple doctors and they all tell her its the dosage of the medication she takes that they need to adjust. She has been feeling anxious, jittery, with taquicardia, palpitations, can’t sleep. I have gone to therapy before due to anxiety and boundary setting, so she usually calls me for advice on how to soothe her anxiety. This started happening around 2 months ago, but it has gotten worse the last 2 weeks because she has been calling literally everyday, and gets upset when I don’t pick up or tell her I’m busy. She makes comments like I don’t visit her enough, even though I visit her once a week, usually the weekend since my partner and I both have full time jobs. She also says I don’t call her enough, but I literally do not have the energy or time to do so, which is why I prefer to text her, but she wants to talk to me or see me everyday. I feel like I have no space for myself and that I owe my free time to her.
I know I don’t owe anything to no one, specially my free time. I just want to know how not to feel as guilty when setting those boundaries to her that I need space for myself. I just feel so guilty since I know that she doesn’t feel well.