u/godmaeda

hello, and sorry if this is a little disjointed. i have severe cptsd and a lot of that is from various medical traumas. because of this, I'm doubting myself over whether what I experienced a week ago "should" have been traumatic.

last week, I had my first ever dermatologist appointment. I've had a whole host of skin issues since i was a kid but I was severely neglected so I never got the chance to see a doctor about it until now. I was very worried about being touched, since a lot of my skin issues are in private areas (i strongly suspect inverse psoriasis & hidradenitis suppurativa) and I did not want to expose that to a medical professional without first building rapport and feeling comfortable with them, but I felt at the time I was being very brave and getting over my "irrational" fears...

the day of the appointment, I was stuck in a crowded waiting room for like 30 minutes. some random lady came out saying they had taken on too many emergency appointments and the nurse was so busy she wasn't even able to go pee (???)

then I had to wait 30 more minutes sitting in an exam room listening to children scream-crying in the next room over while I waited for the doctor to come in while they looped shitty hold music over a speaker in the exam room.

by the time the doctor came in the room, I was already extremely triggered and overstimulated (I'm autistic) and it was clear she was rushing through everything like crazy. she didn't ask me any questions at all and immediately started looking at my scalp and touching me. then she asked to see "the back"; i thought she meant the back of my neck, but she had me lift up my shirt and I just immediately froze up. she started moving my clothes out of the way and touching me. i should note I didn't come here for a skin check and at no point gave her express permission to look, touch, or undress me, and in the intake form noted that I'm autistic and have cptsd. I even told her this was my first dermatologist appointment and that I was nervous.

I'm also stealth ftm and haven't had top surgery, so I completely locked up when she started moving my binder out of the way and examining my breasts. i was panicking really badly at this point, but couldn't move or tell her to stop. she then asked if I could take my shorts off so she could see my crotch, and I very firmly told her I'm not exposing my genitals to her. I had to tell her this 3 times before she stopped badgering, and she got all huffy and looked very upset with me.

she then started infodumping to me about what she was going to prescribe me, without asking any questions about my symptoms or how I felt. when she disclosed one of them had a lengthy black box warning, I asked her what the warnings were specifically about, and she sighed and dismissed it & told me to "just look it up." at that point, I was so overwhelmed and upset I just up and left the exam room and cried & had a meltdown in the car.

i haven't been able to stop replaying it in my mind since then. i feel like i was violated and molested, but I also feel like I'm strongly overreacting just because of my cptsd. I'm planning on filing a report but I'm scared that nobody will take it seriously, because dermatologists are "supposed" to touch you (even though i never gave permission, she never told me what she was looking for or what she found, and i didn't plan on being touched or looked at...)

I've had trouble showering and changing my clothes since then, I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, I have been dissociating heavily, and I cannot stop thinking about what happened, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just completely overreacting. I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting this, I just want to know if anyone has had any similar experiences I guess, or any advice. sorry for the long post