[l] really need to talk to someone
Long text but I really need to get this off my chest
I'm a 33M living in USA illegally, I came here 10 years ago trying to find better opportunities, I graduated as an engineer in Mexico but couldn’t find a decent job so I decided to move to the States, my idea was to work for a few months and save money and go back to Mexico but once I bought my first car and I started going anywhere I wanted and I chose to make my stay longer
I met some people, I dated a couple girls and life was okay, of course I miss my family every single day and I missed a lot of birthdays and holidays, I basically missed my nephews' childhood, a couple family members passed but I had a feeling that everything would be worth it, plot twist, it is not worth it
The first two years I lived with my cousin and her family, she also overstayed her visa decades before I came to live with her but she got married and got her citizenship eventually, our relationship was great, I looked at her and her husband as my parents, I would refer them as my parents if we went somewhere and everything was good, it made me feel like I had a place to call home in the States until Donald Trump decided to run for President again, she is a church person and she kept repeating the same thing every christian nationalist is saying about immigrants 'we need to send back the millions of immigrants that Biden let in…' so we stopped talking not before we had a couple arguments
I felt betrayed, now my wellbeing is in danger and everywhere I go I am always anxious, I stopped trusting people, I used to talk a lot but now I feel insecure, what if they notice my accent? How can my own family knowing my status and knowing that I will be directly impacted support such thing? Who can I trust?
I was working as a server at a restaurant and I was making decent money but I've been dealing with anxiety and depression since I moved here and it got worse during covid so I would request days off once or twice a month, the managers never had an issue and they were always very nice to me, I worked there for 8 years and they also made me feel like family so the love was mutual but they were also Christians and one of the daughters is really into all that MAGA stuff
I was dating a girl who was 10 years younger than me, we met at the same restaurant when we worked together (we were 28 and 18), at that time I thought our relationship could raise some eyebrows but it was good and organic, we respected and loved each other, our dynamics were like any other relationship, my intentions were pure and I wasn’t gonna ask her to marry me or have kids until she was 25 or after finishing her masters (whatever happened first), I never made her feel any type of way for being young and she never made me feel bad for being older and at least at the beginning we communicated how we felt but still, having an age gap was kind of a big deal for her family which I understand so she actually never introduced me as her boyfriend, they knew who I was and I was around sometimes but it was always with a group, I never pressured her into anything, I let her take her time hoping one day she’d decide to introduce me and make it official, it never happened, we dated for 4 years that way, the last Christmas was the most painful one but I'll get into that in a bit
My ex got an apartment 30 minutes away from where I was living and I would spend every night at hers until we decided to move me in, it was my first time living with a partner and we had great times but everytime the phone ringed or someone wanted to visit she would kick me out like a dog or tell me to be quiet, she never told her family I was living there or that we were even together and that made me feel neglected, we stopped having sex cause I couldn’t feel any connection and since high school I've never been much of a horny dude, maybe it has to do with my insecurities or self esteem but I only like having sex with a girl that’s into me as much as I am into her and my ex didn’t want to give me a hug sometimes
My ex girlfriend‘s family loves the restaurant where we met, they celebrate their birthdays there and last year they were gonna celebrate something and her dad was gonna go, she didn’t want her dad to see me cause he knows who I am and he would probably asked if I was dating his daughter, I didn’t have a problem introducing myself and talking to him man to man but it was my ex the one that didn’t want us to have that conversation yet, she’s a very intelligent woman, graduated from college at 20 with a 4.0 GPA and I always felt like she was ashamed of what I do cause I don’t have a career (even though I have a degree in Mexico) so whenever I tried to have those conversations she would cry and say 'sorry' and lock herself up in the bathroom but I was on cloud nine and I was happy with most of our dynamics that I ignored those red flags
That same day there was gonna be a No Kings Rally in downtown, I wasn’t feeling good that day and my ex asking me to avoid seeing her dad I had no option other than call in and the manager (the MAGA one) told me that there was no problem and she hoped I felt better, I spent that day at home watching movies and eating cookies and I saw videos of the protest on Instagram and I decided to share one with a caption that said 'thank you to everyone that went to the protest today and being the voice for those who can’t be heard' and the next day on my way to work I got fired by my MAGA manager stating that I am always late and requesting days off, I spoke to her more than twice about my mental health and she told me anything I needed she would help, she offered me weeks off at one point but I told her I needed the money so just understand I would be late some days and she said it was no problem
So now I got fired from the place I protected as if it was mine cause all the years and the relationship I had with the owners and his family, I trained most of the servers, I got along with everyone there, the owner's wife would leave me in charge whenever the managers weren’t there, I worked shifts by myself cause the other servers wouldn’t show up, I would finish the side work others failed to do, I would always speak nothing but good things about them and now I got fired over text on my way to work
My ex felt guilty cause she felt the reason why I got fired is because she didn’t want her dad to see me and ask me about us so she took care of me while I was looking for a job, I went to different places and got ghosted by all of them, my savings account started lowering until I ran out of money, one of my cousin’s kid helped pay my phone bill and I would’ve been living in the street if it wasn’t for my ex, she housed me, fed me and bought me things I wanted and needed but I always felt so uncomfortable, I couldn’t sleep at night, I was so stressed thinking how can I make money? How can I pay back to this girl? I had to get rid of my car, a 2018 honda civic, I was 2 years away from paying it off, I would go to places to apply and I would see State Troopers in the area and I would get super anxious, I called old coworkers and they told me they were also struggling and living in fear, my ex told me to stay at home and help her clean the house and cook so that’s what I did for a year but I really never made any real friends in the States so I didn’t have anyone to call or hang out so I was going crazy walking around a studio apartment overthinking and having panic attacks once or twice a week but whenever she would come home from work I felt happy again
She would take us to restaurants, bars, the zoo, she would take care of the bill and she would make sure I was okay so that made me not think too much of the fact that she never introduced me to her family, after all she’s showing me she cares about me, also, her parents don’t live in the same city as us, they’re divorced and they live in two different states and they would see her only 3 or 4 times per year and half of those times she’s the one traveling to see them so I just thought that them not living near was the perfect excuse for her to not introduce me
Last Christmas I was still unemployed, she got ready to go see her grandparents and celebrate Christmas with them and she left me by myself, she came home and I was sad and she got mad at me cause I ruined the vibe, I didn’t tell her but I wanted to tell her I am not a dog you kick out when you have guests and is waiting for you all day and wave his tail cause he’s happy to see you, she didn’t need to take me to her grandparents house but it would’ve been nice if they fixed me a plate, I got absolutely nothing for Christmas and I knew it was gonna be the last Christmas I would spend that way
We kept living together and we had not exactly a routine but things we do in the morning, I guess you could call it a routine except for the fact that we would switch activities depending on how she felt, one morning everything was the same, she took a shower, we danced and meowed to songs and she went to work, I made her favorite dish for dinner, Chicken Piccata but when she came home she was crying and I couldn’t understand why, she told me she wasn’t happy with our relationship anymore, I stood there and I said it was okay, I just wanted her to eat, I understood I am unemployed, I understood I have mental health issues, I understood I have no career and no pathway to get a work permit or green card, she’s a very independent and intelligent woman and I am not on her level and I understand that, she deserves better and I am a fucking loser with no love for himself and not a lot of options to do better, at least for now since it’s hard for me to get a full time job, she was nice to let me stay a couple extra weeks while I was looking for a place to stay, I considered moving back to Mexico since I have nothing going on here and no one to talk to but I have no ride to go home and someone told me they could randomly check the car and I could get arrested and detained for God knows how long
There’s was a point in my life where I lived in a nice house with one roommate, I would get a haircut every weekend, I drove a nice car, I would buy Christmas presents for my loved ones, I took my cousin's husband to a Cowboys game for the first time, sometimes I had to get 3 jobs just to live this way but I've never been lazy but I also know that if I had a piece of paper that says I am allowed to live and exist here I would have a good paying job, I am smart enough to learn anything, I studied business back in Mexico, I graduated as an engineer, all I need is an opportunity to prove myself I am not a loser, this is not me!
I am writing this in my new room, I haven’t eating and it’s hard to get out of bed, I moved back with my old roommate, my clothes are on the floor, I have no furniture and the house is very old so my room has no light and I don’t have a lamp, I got a weekend job, it’s not enough but I bought groceries yesterday and it felt good, I applied to two jobs and I feel like they gonna ghost me again, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how am I gonna pay rent, I just want a job so I can focus on myself, since last year I lost my family, I lost my job and I lost who I thought was the love of my life, I have almost zero social life, my friends in the States are not the type to call when things get rough, I have two teddy bears I gave my ex and they’re the only company I have, I need a friend, I need a hug and I don’t know how or who to ask for one, I am at my lowest point and all I can think of is the time I wasted away from my family in hopes of a better future that it seems like it will only get worse, I feel like a freaking failure and I don’t want to tell my mom her son is having a really hard time, I am tired of pretending that I am okay
At least now I understand why most age gap relationships don’t work, I had to learn the hard way, that’s entirely my fault and I won’t let that happen again, it doesn’t matter how well we get along, her having her own apartment, her own money, her own car at 18 doesn’t mean she’s ready for a serious relationship, it doesn’t matter how smart she is, she’s not ready, there was a guy who was also 18 at the time and me and him also became friends because I talk to everyone the same way, I don’t care about age, gender, race and that’s why most of the people that knows me like me, I make everyone feel included and seen and maybe that’s why she liked me, she wasn’t the first girl to show interest in me though but she was the youngest and only my second girlfriend, I never clicked with someone the way me and her did, before I asked her out I hesitated a lot but I knew I would regret my decision if I didn’t ask her so I guess at least I got that but it still hurts, I wish things would’ve been a little bit different, she’s already moving on and talking to a guy from work, I unfollowed her last night cause she posted him Facetiming her twice already, in 4 years she never posted me, I want to heal and move on but I have nothing going on in my life, she still has all my books and I don’t even have a ride to go to work