u/grayghostsmitten

A few months ago, I discovered my husband has been living a double live for years. More women and aliases than imaginable.

I had to leave my whole life and completely start over on my own. Everything that I thought was real… really wasn’t.

These last few months, I have protected something profoundly important, while absorbing an enormous betrayal.

Whatever he did, he did not get my sobriety.

Yesterday I went for a four mile hike to a beautiful waterfall. I am building a life of peace and gratitude. This morning I woke up in my apartment 2726 days sober.

These things belong to me.

He didn’t get that part of me. I kept it.

2,726 days. And when my entire life blew apart, I kept every single one of them.

I am living a nightmare. Please be careful so this doesn’t happen to you.

Almost a month ago was my discovery day.

I discovered my husband has been catfishing many, many people for years.

He was pretending to be a woman, seeking other woman via live chat rooms, sharing fake pictures, having ongoing talking, texting and email communications over time and using a Google voice account. He would use fake pictures to make the victims believe he was a girl.

He also was pretending to be a rape victim, and at times someone questioning their sexual identity (both events, pretending to be a female). He would pose as. Either of these and call into crisis and counseling lines across the US, and even email himself notes about the different personas/aliases, so he wouldn’t forget what he told who / he would even schedule ongoing counseling under these personas. Back to the meeting girls in chat - he would have ongoing things with them, connect for sexual things online, exchange pics (obviously his were fake).

To say it was like a bomb went of in my world is a vast understatement. The grief is tremendous. Everything that I thought was real and known ever is not.

I am in therapy and am getting a place on my own and we of course will be getting a divorce. I will never be able to be in a relationship again. Ever.

Please just be very careful.

I thought I knew him.

Everyone that hears my story is shocked. He is literally the last person you would ever think that would do something to hurt anyone.

I am still in shock. I still can’t believe this is even my reality.

There’s no way he can even sound like a girl. I am thinking maybe he used an app? Idk…

I didn’t have a say in what happened to me, but I have a say in what happens next. While the grief is haunting, I will come out of this strong. I will be okay.

I don’t want anyone else to experience what I am experiencing. It feels like a bomb went off, and I’m the last one standing. I feel like I have to now totally rebuild my life. At almost 50. I got out and to safe place, while looking for housing and getting things in order. I tried to stay in the family home, while I did this. I couldn’t. He began to follow me around room to room. I had asked for space. I said leave me alone. Don’t talk to me. Instead… instead he has twisted the narrative and paints the picture to his kids (who have known me as mom since they were young), that I have abandoned him and them. That I simply walked away from my life. He paints the picture as it is I that held the loaded gun. He seems to forget that it is himself that put a bomb on a bridge, detonated it, and left me no safe way back… and there is nothing to come back to. What I thought was real all these years of my relationship…. It’s all not real. It was all a mirage.

If you have doubts, listen to your gut.

ETA: I don’t have the energy to respond to direct questions about this, so won’t be responding to everything on this thread. I am in acute trauma. I am in therapy. This is all very brand new to me.

Student loans from years ago have haunted me.

A year ago I decided to apply for the fresh start program. I decided I no longer wanted these to always be that lingering anxiety in the background, that I always tried to shove further back, as thought it could actually make them just go away.

I decided to pay extra when I can, and hit these as aggressively as I could.

Within the last year, I have went from owing over $41,000, to as of today $16,000.

While it has felt insurmountable, it’s encouraging to see, and I’m going to keep plugging away at it.

Reminding myself to pause, and be filled with hope for another push forward.

💜

ETA: I don’t have any other debt. I drive a 20+ year old Toyota Corolla that I bought for $4,000 cash, so I don’t have a car payment - therefore I have the ability to put extra funds towards my debt.

While I saved the cash for my car, I walked to work (This car, while not shiny and new, has been wildly dependable.).