My best friend is gone
I've had my Garfield for 18 years, ever since I was three years old. He was diagnosed with kidney disease in July, stage 3 but fluids brought it down to stage 2. It wasn't the kidney disease though; he had so much he was fighting, he was such a strong cat, and I think he just couldn't take it anymore.
Last week he was acting strange- more lethargic and just generally not himself. We went to a vet appointment and she put him on miralax because he was backed up about 6 inches worth, and amoxicillin because of an infection of his acne.
Friday he was ok. I was going to do a photo shoot with him for spring and I was so excited. He had sunglasses, bandanas, and my favorite was a pink sweater and jean jacket. But he didn't feel good on the weekend so I figured I'd wait. I thought he would bounce back, but he had been fighting for so long (heart murmur, hyperthyroidism, kidney disease, high blood pressure, anemia, IBS, kitty acne, needing his teeth brushed, then the constipation and infection) and i think he just gave up. I really, really thought he would beat it, I really did, so I kept trying to ignore the signs. It was last night, on the phone with my therapist, that I watched him try to drink but he couldn't get the angles right and kept inhaling water and flinching back and huffing.
He had lost about .5 pounds between Thursday and Tuesday. I thought it was just the constipation. Our vet gave us permission to put his miralax in heavy cream or whipped cream if we thought he'd eat it. He had always hounded us for milk and dairy so I thought he would want it. He'd sniff it, make like he was gonna drink, then change his mind. It was that way for everything. Either brand of his treats, his kibble, his water.
He wasn't even sleeping towards the end, just in a crouch. He stopped even acknowledging me and my gf. There was no chirping, no purring, didn't even look up. He hated taking his medication too, when he's always been ok with it. He was medicated for everything but the heart murmur. He always took it really well and the last few days he clamped his jaws tight to the point I was worried I'd hurt him.
I had scheduled to take him into the vet today at 2:30, but, staring at him, crouched and not looking up last night, we took him in then. He passed in my arms.
He was my best friend. He always had been. He was the only family member who believed me when I told him stuff, the only one who I felt safe with and who would do his best to take care of me. I loved him so much I can't even explain it. He was more important to me than the rest of my family combined, and I would've done anything to keep him around and healthy. I can't believe he's gone. The only reason I'm not gone is because of him, and I can't fathom keeping on without him by my side. I feel like I could've done more. The kitty kidney drug that's been under development in Japan is on the market and, even though it was expensive, I just ordered it last week.
I wish I had known he wouldnt be getting better from this. The vet told us in April that his values indicated three months, but i think he was just too tired to keep fighting. And I can't say I blame him, he put up such a good fight. He fought harder than anyone else would've.
I feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like I could've saved him, and I'm not sure what to do without him.