How do I turn my life around?
[Long post alert]
I'm typing this from the bathroom, the only place where I find some comfort and alone time. I don't even know what to write. If I had any clarity, I wouldn't be here.
I have a lot of problems in my life right now, but the world outside is unaware of how deeply troubled I am. My family knows, some of my friends know, but they don't know the extent of agony I am carrying. I've never been good at expressing my emotions.
Growing up, I wasn't the healthiest kid. I still managed to excel in academics, do the most random but exciting things, enjoy my life, and keep my folks happy. I accomplished everything that I set my mind to, and at times, almost felt invincible. Maybe I was overconfident or delusional, it always worked out for me. Now when people who know me from this time see me, they look at me sadly and ask what happened.
Things started to change when I started working 10 years ago. I never enjoyed working the job I do. I hate being confined to a room with other people, forced to look at a computer screen, and code for things that create no impact. I love being outdoors, in the greenery, near the ocean, listening to the waves crash against the beach, listening to the rustling of leaves. But none of that pays. The monotony of work life gets me at times, but I'd often find ways to jump back up, and keep things exciting somehow. I knew what I was capable of, and I had bigger things planned for myself.
In 2020, when covid hit, things started to get worse for me, and I guess, for a lot of other people on this planet. It was around this time, when there was a huge decline in my hearing after a flight travel. I couldn't get myself the best care at the time because there were other issues that my family was dealing with. But after some time, I did go to several doctors, was diagnosed with otosclerosis, and eventually started wearing a hearing aid. Even with the hearing aid, speech and sound were never very clear. I'd often hear a few words and try to connect the dots. Not soon after, I also dealt with a terrible breakup. All the problems were knocking at the same time, I believed it to be the worst phase of my life.
I never quite bounced back from that phase, but I slowly started to accept my new reality. Needless to say, my mental health also saw a rapid decline around this time. New interests and hobbies kept me alive. Last year I even underwent an ear surgery, after which my hearing improved to an extent where I did not feel the need to wear the hearing aid anymore. I took great care of myself during the recovery. I also started taking anti depressants. It felt like my life was finally returning to normal.
Six months later, I took a flight to my parents', and history kind of repeated itself. After I returned home, my hearing was muffled. It started to clear after some time, but even after 3 weeks, it's still not the same as it was before the flight, especially in the surgery ear. My surgeon said there is nothing to worry. I obviously wasn't happy with that answer, so I saw another doctor. He said it could be ETD, and prescribed me a nasal spray and allegra. It's been one week on those meds. Too early to say, but I haven't felt a difference yet. If anything, I feel like it's getting worse every day. My pulsatile tinnitus is really loud now. I wish my heart would stop beating so the tinnitus would stop as well.
Work hasn't stopped. It still demands I do everything like a normal person would. But I'm exhausted, and I'm dried dead. I've been giving out of an empty vessel, barely surving each day. Although I do believe I've not been a good employee in some time, the work culture is pathetic too. How can everything be high priority and urgent!
What do I do? Where do I go from here? I can't get another job in a short amount of time, and this time, I want to get a job at a nice company. So I don't want to rush. But I'm not able to hold this job very well either, and quitting without having an offer makes me a loser. Every day feels like a punishment that tries to kill me, but keeps me alive. Most of the time, I sit alone in a corner. I can't hear my colleagues very well, so I talk only when it's really important. I feel so dumb when I have to ask them to repeat several times, and then I have to pretend I got it. Working from home gives me an advantage because I can hear better through earphones. But this company looks down upon WFH. I somehow hold it together until the end of the day, and on my way back to home from office, my eyes swell up. I spend the rest of the evening locked in my bathroom, hiding my broken side from the people around me. But you know what, it's Friday evening and work is still not over. I still have to get back up, come out of the bathroom, and finish the pending tasks.
I am not able to take care of my health or my career or anything else at this point. I just want to abandon everything and run away. Should I quit my job? There has to be a way out, and I am asking strangers on the internet to show me the right path, and give me a well defined list of things I should do in the next couple months to turn my life around.