u/gutsngodhand

Just realized it took me about 3 bottles of water to eat a meal over the course of roughly 2 hours. I’m scared to swallow, so probably not true dysphagia (developed dysphagia from GERD but it’s probably subsided by now since my GERD has resolved?). I do this for eveeeerything I eat. I take a bite, chew chew chew, so much water that I can’t feel the food anymore, swallow.

Obviously the larger the meal, the more water.

Uhhhh. Hm. ????? Idk. Just realized uh oh, bad call. But idk how to stop.

Or, partial solids. I tried to eat shitty maruchan ramen tonight. Scared me. Maybe had 1/3. Lately I’ve been having to wash food down with water before I even swallow it. Take a bite, get some water, maybe swish, swallow. Even potatoes.

I can’t tell if my OCD has latched onto this HARD or I’m experiencing true progression of worsening dysphagia. It started with the sensation of food getting caught at my collarbone. Whether it was or not, idk. Didn’t love it though. I haven’t taken any big bites in months. If I do, it’s a) spat out or b) downed with water.

I also am wondering since having struggled with gastritis + gerd for 7 months, leading to a general reduction in food, and proclivity towards soups/purees/protein shakes during this time, if my esophagus has generally weakened and I’m forgetting how to swallow.

My brain simply will not let me take a big bite and swallow it. I keep trying just to see if I can do it/it’s all in my head… won’t.

I’m starting to get sad about this. I have a 3 year old and don’t wait to truly eat any solids until my husband gets home.. I’m weak all day because protein shakes & soup isn’t cutting it. I’m grateful my gastritis is healing up and I’ve been symptom free of GERD for a month (it was really bad, regurgitation, nonstop burps, eating made me nauseous, sore throat constantly, heartburn over everything and anything). But fuck I just want to eat a good meal. A full meal, not because I’m full too fast but because I was able to get through every swallow without the mental fatigue of it.

Had bloodwork & abdominal ultrasound done in December, all clear. Negative h pylori. Barium swallow scheduled. I just want my life back..

My daughter will be 3 soon. She’s so full of personality and so smart. I am not a good mom right now. I hardly have energy to smile and be silly last few weeks. I do the normal stuff obviously like feed her, keep her and the house clean, I don’t ignore her lol. But I just feel like I’m staring at the wall most of my day counting the hours down til her dad gets home. I don’t feel relief until I’m working. The last few months she’s been very… ?? Threenager I suppose lol. Lots of whining, says the opposite of *everything* I say, tells me no for everything, etc. I am generally a patient person so I’ll give her hugs, name her feeling, “YOURE NOT UPSET”, … wait for her to calm down again, and explain it to her gently like “sometimes change is hard but hard isn’t bad”, because she is so horribly attached to her paci. I should’ve cut that out asap but she’s always been such a bad sleeper so I selfishly didn’t want to give it up yet once I started getting 6 hours of sleep in a night.

Anywho. Idk. I’m lucky to hit 25 hours in a week work wise. I just started a biz and it’s going great. It’s currently my sanctuary. But I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t want to wish away these years with my daughter. But they’re so exhausting and difficult right now. Any time we try to do anything fun she’s just AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH over something I say, do, etc. For example, she doesn’t like birthdays because birthdays = getting older = not a baby anymore = losing paci + she likes diapers + doesn’t like to help me pick up her toys, or if she spills something she doesn’t want to help me clean it. She loses her mind and yells and screams and whines and starts crying because someone has a birthday hat on in a cartoon or something. We’re literally having a Halloween party for her bday, not a bday party. We will be singing happy Halloween to you lol. She loves Halloween just as much as she hates birthdays right now.

I really feel like as a parent, I’m balanced. I’m soft and warm but I’m not a pushover either, I correct as needed but let natural consequences be the consequence. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard and I feel like I shouldn’t be this exhausted mentally before 10am. I’m so whipped. I keep getting the physical sensations of depression despite not being sad or having true reasons to be sad. My life is great right now. But I feel so hollow until 5pm. Sometimes I feel like I’m not meant for motherhood. I’m really bad at this. Like what am I doing wrong. My daughter adores me thankfully but I don’t know why. I feel so blah.

Hello men, I am a 28 y/o woman. Have been with the same man, 32M, for 8 years. We both have changed as people, as have the dynamics of our relationship. When things are neutral or good, we’re great. One thing that has remained a constant: our inability to have serious conversations without them turning into arguments. Even for situations that aren’t bad… just needing a simple conversation, for example, taxes…

Just kind of starting to wonder what it’s like.. out there.. and if I’m starting to waste a portion of my life on a complete lack of emotional intimacy or regulation…

Thx