I'm so confused with myself
For some time now I thought I was an aromantic. But lately I've done a lot, and I mean A LOT of thinking and I'm just confused.
In my previous relationships, I wasn't happy at all. I had feeling that the person just invided my sacred time and place. I just simply wanted to be alone. Have my own timetable, doing my things, without the other person. I didn't feel any romantic attraction to them. So I came out as aromantic. After this, it seemed to make sense.
After some time, all my feelings got mixed. All I knew about asexuals was the general discription. But when I sit and thought for a second, I find out that I'm not sexually attracted to any person. I think I always was just aestheticly attracted to them. I didn't want to kiss a person and I actually didn't want to have a s*x with them. So I came out as aroace.
But now, I don't feel the same way about the aro part. Because I really like romance in games and media, I always did. I envied the emotional connetction between people and I want that for myself. But I don't feel like dating people. I don't want to spend all my time with another person. I don't want a messeges for "good morning" or "what did I have for a lunch". I don't want to live together or sleep in same bed.
I'm just lost and I don't understand myself anymore.
Maybe I'm just emotionally attraced to people in platonic way?
Because I adore someone who dedicated their all feelings to one person. I don't think I can do that but I would like to meet someone who is going to dedicate themselves to me.
Does it even make sense? Am I a horrible person for thinking like this?
I don't know.
(english is not my first language so I apologise in advance for errors)