u/haibisukasua

The average person, or even the average non-schizotypal, has this thing that's just ingrained into them to absolutely make me miserable. Like I am a tool for their ego, and their own self-benefit. They will use everything against me, my own disorder, my past, everything.

Even other personality disorder havers, BPD, ASPD, they've harmed me severely for "wronging" them, then blame me, even though I messed up and then try to communicate how we can both flourish in a relationship. On how to fix things.

I've been called desperate, a creep, a strange person, a weirdo, emotionally incompetent, but all my friends that have been around for years find me extremely well, mature, able to function with them. They've told me.

Why are people so often vile? Rude and down right belittling if even just shoving false insults at you. I had a falling out and had my delusions used against me, that my delusions were self-projection, that I was stupid and ignorant, a desperate stalker, etc.

I'm stuck thinking I'm horrid. I know these people are wrong but what if they are secretly right and my effort is for nothing? What if my trauma ruined me? Made me into something awful?

Why am I schizotypal? My ideas and views are out there, and my apathy and negative symptoms make me filter out people very harshly.

I've been called a narcissist, a sociopath, an abuser, even worse, a pedophile for no reason, because I am very much aroace, but I broke their boundaries by adding them on an alt. I'm sorry. I wanted to apologize and make you less sad, I didn't want to come back and harm you.

Losing a friend is hard, especially at 17. I thought I was doing something good, I learned I wasn't, I wouldn't repeat it. And yet I'm unforgivable.

I'm tired of being open about my issues and mistakes and being then preyed on by either horrendous staff who will make stuff up, use my delusions against me, call me immature for being unwell, or even more.

The best part is that it isn't just discord. This has happened in my real world and in other spaces. I'm treated as lesser or a boost to someone's ego because they see me as "weak" and "pathetic" because I was traumatized my entire childhood and have a hard time with delusions, friendships, boundaries. It gives them some kind of sick twisted idea to use my issues against me to harm me and constantly batter me for their own egos. They feel so entitled and "right" because I accidentally harmed someone, and even when I try to explain everything, I'm coming off as a "desperate creep" and a "strange weirdo" because they refuse to listen.

They said I was a stalker because I decided to try to apologize on an alt, which I now know was wrong, but I vented that I always felt stalked before, and they claimed I was self-projecting my delusions. I wasn't. I'm constantly anxious and glancing at my door and window.

There was so much about just me "being immature" and "emotionally incompetent and ignorant" said to me because I messed up and added someone. I don't know how to begin to recover and cope when every small mistake takes away years and years of progress for them.

My issues don't matter, they only do when people want to boost themselves and put someone down.

I know everyone has some part of them that craves abusing someone.

It hurts.

I hate being weird, strange, disgusting, incapable.

And I hate everyone else for never having my side and making me out to be nothing but a person to harm.

I hate when I harm someone on accident. I want to be better. I don't want to be told "you're not a victim, you're immature, you're stupid" I just want an even half decent discussion with someone without them throwing me under the bus so I can then work on things.

But it never works and I'm stuck drowning because I can't know how to make it up to them and myself. It's never me and them, it's never us, it's always "simon is a desperate creep and too desperate for connection. he needs to be insulted and battered."

I hate myself, if I wasn't schizotypal maybe I could be more sane. What am I going to do anymore? I can't be liked.

I've been in them on and off since 13 and mainly on discord, and the amount of degeneracy and disgusting boundary breaking, predatory behavior, and what I describe as "larping" cluster B and spreading misinfo about more than that disorder, is gross.

I'm not diagnosed, but I have talked to a therapist. I am disorganized, schizotypal, depressive, and anxious. I go to these spaces to have a community of "understanding" people, but I've since learned it's a shabby lie. There's a lot of stigma around schizospec people and I was once told that it "wasn't my strangeness that made people dislike me, it was my vauge venting about another party that harmed me in the server that made everyone hate me!" (disregarding my entire history in the past and outside of the situation) by a person who "wouldn't friend someone mentally disordered because they don't want to burn out."

I've been attacked consistently and targeted for my issues especially when I discuss possibly having / having STPD. There are actually *many* servers that banned me for what I can describe as "interpersonal drama" with other people who typically would harass me and then trigger me severely into paranoia to get me into arguments or issues with them.

I met a person that had BPD (or I assume they did, as they constantly talked of having it) and we were close, but I told them that we couldn't flirt because I just wasn't having it anymore, fast forward 3 days and after ignoring me I had a meltdown because I was sick and tired of being used for attention and thrown away after withdrawing. They said to "stop guilt tripping" and told me "fuck you" and etc. The amount of poor boundaries and toxic situations I've been in to "socialize" is just something I can't do anymore.

I'm alone in real life and these communities are just horrendous.
This is a PSA of sorts that a lot of the "popular" vent / mental servers are biased, and will pick favorites over you and especially discriminate against you for having any type of schizospec disorder. I actually had so much drama with that person they "temp banned" me for 1-3 months to "sort out" the issues (honestly it was just so people involved would stop harassing me, but also so they could ignore it) and honestly it's so funny how much I was isolated beforehand in these situations.

Told "oh you just whine and never change anything" about my vents and disorders, attacked for thinking a "low moderation mental health space" was a good idea or even decent in any way (and yes it was awful and full of sexual content and PDA 24/7 when i joined and chatted) and the earlier STPD statement where people just make my disorders entirely about whatever stupid discord situation they can.

This is stupid.
I can't believe I even tolerated any of this for so long. The amount of disordered people who will just attack me for *my* disorders is ridiculous, I go there to relate and instead get isolated and what I can only describe as "victimized" for people's egos.

(For anyone who replies, I would really prefer you stay gentle because I am quite aware that I may be stupid or silly for a lot of this, but I've been sensitive lately and I need some kind of gentle chat or more meaning to stay away from these situations.)

I'm mainly schizotypal but I've been experiencing a heightening of my schizoid traits lately. I don't know how quite to describe it.

Also, is anyone else frequently victimized by others? I tend to find myself in predicaments where I'm being harmed and then made the "problem entirely" because of my issues.