my beloved got me feeling all giddy after admitting aloud he likes when i take care of him, even for small things. i'm still riding this high like 3 hours later djddhjsa i love being dependable to my most cherished person
he has such a pretty face when he dozes off. who am i kidding, his face is naturally attractive!! but there's something especially beautiful about when it's completely at peace and his eyes are closed. i always get an urge to nuzzle on his cheeks a bit, it makes it so hard to want to leave for work in the mornings.
sometimes i'll stay up a little longer after we've gone to bed just so i can listen to him breathe. his snores are surprisingly gentle, too. you'd think it adorable when you see the size of this man! how can someone with such bulk make such sweet sighs?? it's like getting asmr straight from the source.
it's a herculean effort just trying to hold back from clinging to him even now during his little nap. i shouldn't at this hour otherwise i'll never sleep properly tonight... but hell, it's gotta be a worthy sacrifice, isn't it?
hahhh. my beloved angel...
i can be such a nasty person sometimes. i don't like to be. i cannot blame this behavior on anyone or anything other than myself. this is just "me," and i am demonstrably unbearable at times.
disappointing my beloved brings out the absolute worst in me. my rage gets irrational and just a little... self-destructive, frankly. because if i'm not doing good at the things i need to do, then i'm only annoying him. and if i'm not improving, then that reads as an insult, surely?
it is stupid. i don't need to be told this. sadly, self awareness really does only get one so far with these things.
that said, he is crazy patient with me during these times. not always, and i don't blame him when he does get fed up with me; but the fact that he has stuck with me this long and has his well-intended, albeit unconventional ways to calm me down, just reaffirms how deeply important he is to me. even just remembering to say "i love you too" when i can barely talk through my blubbering means so much.
"husband" isn't reverent enough of a title for him. more like "god." i'd bleed for him it that didn't make him deeply upset. and i know he hates seeing me cry but that's all i can keep doing when all this love and worry overwhelms me so much...
(i'm okay-ish now, for the record. got my refreshments and he did a check-up call while at work. i just have to busy myself with mindless things until he comes back.)
sometimes i think about that one image (or a group of images conveying the same thing, i guess?) where someone’s “happiness battery” or whatever feels drained, then suddenly all it takes is a hug from a loved one to recharge them to max.
i can’t help but to feel that my situation is more like a tire that keeps leaking air, and so every couple of weeks i have to go back to the gas station to use their air pump because just this one tire in the right corner keeps being unreliable. just the one! all the others can still last another month or two…
most days, i can usually rely on just one alarm to get me up in the morning. i'm used to early shifts. but sometimes, like today, i have to set an extra one just so i can get some more time with my beloved. my body felt that it would be achey and miserable otherwise if i didn't.
i can't even blame this on poor sleep. i just didn't want to leave the bed. i never would, if i had the choice. i have to convince myself its enough to kiss his sleeping face a little bit just so i don't feel myself recede.
i'm counting on his first text of the morning for another hit of sanity.
bit of an awkward moment for me, honestly. my time spent on this account has mostly been as a lurker - as is the case with most social media. quiet engagement, rarely ever putting myself out there. not like i used to as a kid. i don'r really feel a need to contribute to most places nowadays, so this would be my first ever real post.
and what a funny place to start off. then again, the timing of me finding this community in itself is massively ironic. just an hour ago, i'd been panicking simply from losing track of my husband in the grocery store. legit had a racing heart until i found him again, even though he did text me showing he was around and okay. i still needed lots of handholding thereafter.
so. if that isn't an indication that me finding this community was fated, idk what ;;
anyways, hi. 26F, usa based, bi. i feel things very deeply and sometimes these change on a whim. i'm sure i have a lot of undiagnosed conditions, however i am not in a comfortable position to get a screening. i more or less manage my episodes by heavy distraction via brain rot or projecting onto private fics.
even writing up such a brief and vague intro like this is kind of making my skin crawl so i'm going to hit post before i go chicken shit. nice to meet you all. <3