u/happinesseventually

aight so i will justify my behavior a bit here though i am owning up to my actions. parent just got diagnosed with cancer, unemployed yet fit and creative bum, marriage problems, unmanageable anxiety etc

something happened, i did a lot of drugs and took 5 tequila shots back to back w the bartenders at a closed bar and in a black out i completely lost all bodily functions. passed out in the middle of our town's like "bar crawl" area. did not pee on myself. my husband had to get the police involved to carry me home and with me hating cops and all i apparently would not let them touch me which is arguably hilarious. unfortunately involving them now makes my drinking a mental health crisis which kind of sucks they won't leave me alone now. i have zero recollection, several cops had to take me inside my house and all my neighbors got involved etc

husband texts me a link accidentally for "meeting strangers for sex" at 4am

i convinced him to get me wine to get through the day using that as an excuse and also i do not want to be seen at the liquor store in my very small very nosy town

it has now gotten to the point where when i get to this stage i am actively trying to kill myself. edit: also i would like to state that my particular form of self-harm is starving myself so. i'm sure you see where i go with this.

you know what, whatever. i want to drown in substances until i feel nothing. chairs

this past weekend was a big festival and a realllll doozy for me. broke the same toe i broke about 6 months ago again blackout in my house.

in my defense my house is really, really small and we have furniture that simply doesn't fit. for example the space to enter my side of the bed between my solid wood dresser and the solid wood foot of my bed is 7-8 inches at best. caught it wrong yet again and... yeah... i was doing so well working out and hiking 5-6 days a week and that's done for a while.

this weekend i also:

• lost my favorite custom hat of one of my favorite bands
• rolled around on the floor of the bathroom in the bar for 30 mins because my whole body shut down from binging. also in front of all my former coworkers at a job i just got laid off from
• forgot to collect my weekly unemployment payment so that's no money for this whole week
• had to be carried out of the bar and threw up all over my partners truck, all over myself, and was conscious but completely non functioning for several hours after like i was roofied. i have never thrown up in someone's car like that
• had several people the next day ask if i was okay. no idea who they were or where i could have seen them
• discussed rehab very seriously the next morning

i have a lake vacation this weekend and i'm sure that won't end badly! chairs!

After getting laid off two months ago, I finally talked to one of my coworkers since no one hit me up afterwards. apparently instead of getting laid off everyone is going around and saying I got fired.

I had no infractions no writeups no talking to us no disciplinary action against myself whatsoever. I might’ve come come to work hung over a couple of times, but I’d never felt like I deserve to be fired as opposed to laid off completely. They lied to me in my exit interview to try to comfort me I suppose when really they just no longer wanted to be around me.

This is just has been a constant theme in my life always getting fired not really for anything other than I don’t think people really like me or like my personality anyway I’m gonna drink a little bit today and I hope maybe it will give me a little bit of solace, considering my career confidence is at the lowest it’s ever been chairs

One of the worst losses in recent history.

When he said .... I've been riding with the ghost and I've been doing whatever it told me.

Riding with the ghost just seems so accurate to me. How long have we been riding with it