I haven't figured out how it works for me but there are ways... also, my boyfriend (FA) is currently deactivated and not sure how to approach it since he hasn't done enough inner work to be able to articulate it himself.
I am strongly disorganised attached. When we met, I perceived him as a secure wanting a relationship. I deactivated multiple times but after years of working on my self, I worked through it and stayed. I usually deactivate in the beginning and when I feel safe through his consistent, non-pushy approach, I get through it. After that I unlocked a whole new level I hadn't reached before - actually being attached and navigating through the fear of him potentially distancing and hurting me. I put walls and have hard time showing my emotions and being actively engaged. I do subconsious tests like pulling away a bit to see whether he chases and being undeliberately vague about how I feel about him. Him on his side, he was extremely interested and engaged in the beginning - texting all the time, calling multiple times a day, wanting to spend time and nights together, making plans for the future, all the work.
After one of these "tests" I do, I felt some off energy. I found him on tinder shortly after. I discussed it calmly with him wanting to know where I stand, he said he liked me, he wasn't actively using Tinder and and he is just "going with the flow", attached slowly and let's see where things go. He said if that didn't feel secure enough for me, I could leave. I didn't give him a deffinite answer.
He went away traveling for a week - we kept in touch but I deffinetely pulled my energy since I didn't feel safe anymore and subconsiously wanted a prove that he actually wanted me. It only got worse, he grew more distant. When he came back, we met and he wanted to talk. He said we were better off as friends as the energy wasn't romantic. My deffences came fully online and I just accepted it with "okay, if that's how you feel" with a smile. He was puzzled... "is that all you are going to say?". I said yes. He said we could be friends, I said "I have enough friends". He asked me "are you not going to at least ask why?". I said I heard his explanation and don't need more of it. He was completely shocked by my reaction. He hugged me, I said goodbye and was about to leave the car when he said "I didn't feel anything from this hug - like I am now a stranger to you, like you are disgused by me now". I said, it wasn't true. He asked "what then?". I decided fuck it.. and stayed and explained how my entire system worked, my attachment, my deactivation, the walls, the tests, everything. He was shocked how alike we are. He explained how he was just unsure whether he could see himself in a relationship and was scared to hurt me further down the line but even when he is saying he wants to be friends, he is not sure he wants it to be just that. That he is confused. He is not much aware of his attachment style but recognises himself strongly in it. We talked for hours, for the first time I was genuine and honest and felt more connected than ever.
The next day, I had the urge to text him and I tried to fight it for the sole purpose of "I am not going to text so that I can see whether he texts first". I realised what I am doing and I shot the message. I told him I like him and would be sad to let him go. He responded, we made some jokes and haven't stopped texting for two days now. I want to keep him, I feel like he waa deactivating but I am trying to figure out how to make him feel safe so he comes around eventually...
What do I do? How do I handle it?