Experiencing complex feelings about my identity as a cis woman who is dating a trans man
Hello all, I am a young 20-something cisgender woman and have been dating my trans (ftm) boyfriend for a couple of months now. I've recently been dealing with some complex yet very happy feelings towards my situation that I'm very curious to see if others share.
While I have been in queer spaces since middle school, I've only ever dated cishet dudes. This is my first relationship with someone who is trans, and it has been a dauntingly illuminating experience for me. I have always struggled to find peace in my identity as a woman, especially one as loud and opinionated as I am. I feel I cannot escape the hierarchical constraints that have been placed upon me, and I hate it bitterly. Because of this, I have always fought tooth and nail to assert myself over the men I was romantically involved with. I felt that if I were able to dominate a man, to be in a non-heteronormative relationship - while still living within the confines of this comphet box - that I would find some level of validation or freedom in my identity.
I believe my logical progression was rooted in the undeniable truth that I was deathly scared of being viewed as inferior by someone so close to me. I sought comfort from these ailments in the arms of the enemy.
In the few blissful months (and hopefully so many more) that I have found myself in the company of my sweet, sweet man, I cannot even begin to understand why I would put myself in those precarious relationships. My boyfriend is the only man who has ever made me feel this level of safety and respect. Everything is better, the companionship, the dynamic, the sex. I realize cis men never did it for me in such a way. And I honestly feel disgusted with myself for my previous sexual and romantic encounters with them; it's a pleasure thing and a political thing. I feel deeply sad for myself, the girl who believed het happiness existed, if only I could bend the bars of the birdcage or mold it into the shape of anything but a birdcage. I was trying to live by the patriarchy, without having to die by it. This kills me.
I now find myself rapt with love free from subtextual power struggles. I no longer feel this inescapable compulsion to conquer man. Not because he is any less of a man, but because I know without a shadow of doubt that he does not subconsciously see me as inferior to him. So, I don't ball my fists or show my teeth anymore. I don't feel compelled to dominate simply because I am expected to submit. I do it because I like wearing the strap. Makes me feel good, finally.