Ready to move on?
I have been with my husband 3.5 years. We were only dating for a few months before I got pregnant. For context, I was his first relationship ever and I was scared that he was just infatuated and in hindsight we moved way too quickly. When I found out I was pregnant all of a sudden he wanted to be mr. self righteous and do things "the right way" and not sleep in the same room with me etc until we got married (we still had intimate relations but now he claims I basically forced him which is BS). I have resented him for years for not stepping up and for making me feel like I was horrible for not wanting to sleep alone and be alone while I was pregnant. Right before we got married I found out he lied about money and also his family was trying to convince him to not even marry me... he has always allowed them to walk all over me and any time I'm ever upset he wants to play devil's advocate and say that even though they show blatant favoritism to my SIL that I need to just let it go.
I now have 2 small kids (2.5 and 8 months) and I can't deal with this anymore. He constantly will do this thing where when we fight he takes things I shared in vulnerability and uses them against me to hurt me because he's upset. Ex. I cut my parents off at the hospital after giving birth the second time and I confided that I feel so alone and hurt and like no one cares about me... then we fight and he goes "well if it weren't for me no one would care for you at all. that's why your parents don't care and don't reach out"... I have started to notice that even when he says sorry after that I've never forgiven him and that these little things said in the heat of the moment have started to tear down my selfworth and identinty. I have asked for years to go to couples therapy and he doesn't want to because "he doesn't need to go" Now today he's saying he can go because I think it will help (which defeats the purpose because that tells me he just wants me to fix myself because nothing is wrong with him)
this is where it gets complicated. I start working again because I need a backup so I can potentially leave. I have the kindest coworker. He is the opposite of my husband because he understands me, we have similar backgrounds, he is incredibly emotionally intelligent etc. He anticipates needs I may have and is always checking on me. I recently told him I have kids and despite that he is still interested in me. I'm so scared of making the choice to leave my husband. I feel guilty and like I failed. i'm mourning the life I thought we would have. I don't want to not see my kids everyday. I don't want to leave him for the possibility of someone else when the reality is that could also not work. I've been wanting to leave for years but this coworker was the push I needed but I feel so guilty in general and don't know what to do. I have no support since I have no family and few friends now and I just need encouragment and advice.