u/hellaannoyingparents

I think it's a big underrated part of what makes them such incapable parents sometimes.

They're just... tactless people. They don't know how to set the tone of a conversation or be the leading figure in creating a safe, fun environment. They don't know how to "command the crowd" of the family. That's why their attempts at connection fall flat and family vacations are so... dang... boring.

Instead they go around socially oblivious on how to say things softly or palatably without realizing how their words are coming across.

One thing I've learned is huge is tone. Being able to say things a certain way that communicates lovingly but effectively. Like an indirect "Hey, we're all ready to go soon" versus a brisk and confrontational "Are you ready yet?" Both communicate the message that everyone is waiting for you but one leaves the conversation open and inviting while the other is accusatory.

But our parents won't understand those nuances and so their when their words are abrasive or dismissive and it inevitably upsets the child, they don't understand what has possibly gone wrong. Because they don't understand tone. To them, words are just a tool for strict practical communication and not a means by which we indirectly communicate intent, subtly vibe out the other person's feelings, and invite others into our inner worlds.

it's been a really hard day today. I thought summer would be fun but being back at my parents' house has been draining on my spirit and reopening a dozen little wounds.

nothing really explosive happened. it's just the little moments that add up. I think I'm okay and then the smallest thing my dad does reminds me of all my unresolved childhood grievances and I just crash and burn.

he's just so inattentive and disinterested in what I have to say. he's always in his own head and half the time doesn't even realize when I'm making the bid for connection. I feel like the adult in the relationship trying to baby my father into being a good parent to me. I mean how can you be so oblivious to your own child? and when the grief inevitably hits and I withdraw, he had no idea what just happened, having been in his own, merry undisturbed world the whole time. I'll wrestle with inner conflicts and push and pull, and the whole time it turns out I was battering against an immovable wall on my own. or, he knows I am upset but it never dawns on him to inquire or offer comfort.

what an impenetrable wall, I wish I could protect my inner peace like he seemingly does so effortlessly.

the hardest part is that he is kind and well-meaning. he cares for me in his own way. he hasn't committed any great sin against me. so why does it feel like he wronged me so much? I feel crazy. I'm not demanding some grand impossible gesture, right???

I want to scream and cry like a little kid.

I fear these questions will haunt me for the rest of my life and I will pass it down to my own children, no matter how desperately I want to be a good mother. my mother wanted the same, and look how I turned out.

I really wish I just started out with loving, attentive parents. I wish I never had to have these problems in the first place.