What’s your advice?
A few years ago, I met a man online and we began talking outside of the roleplay environment where we first met. From the beginning, I told him I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship. I was processing trauma in therapy and was in a vulnerable place, although I didn’t share that until later.
What I needed was a casual D/s dynamic with someone experienced, honest and consistent, who could also be a friend, a lover and an important figure in my life, but not a boyfriend or partner. He spoke confidently about his background in BDSM. He told me he was married, but he frequently described his partner as sexually incompatible with his darker interests and said he wished she could have a boyfriend for her “romance and whimsy” while he had a submissive he could degrade. I believed that was the dynamic we were creating. I never wanted to replace his partner or become his girlfriend; I wanted an honest, casual D/s relationship built on trust, communication and mutual understanding.
In reality, the dynamic was extremely inconsistent. Sexual interactions were often followed by days or weeks of silence with little or no communication or aftercare. At other times he would return as though nothing had happened, and we would spend hours talking about music, work, films, games and everyday life. That friendship kept the connection alive and led me to believe I had finally found a Dominant who wasn’t emotionally absent or unable to communicate outside of a scene.
This pattern repeated for several years. More than once I ended contact because I believed the dynamic was over, only to reconnect later, something I now deeply regret.
By the end, I had already concluded that this wasn’t an ethical BDSM dynamic. When he suggested meeting in person in 2025, I took that seriously and began vetting him as I would any prospective Dominant. I asked about negotiation, consent, limits, risk awareness, aftercare, accountability and what responsibility meant to him as a Dominant. In my opinion, he did not measure up. His answers were vague, inconsistent, and focused far more on what he wanted than on the responsibilities of holding authority over another person. That process confirmed concerns that had been building for a long time.
I also want to be transparent about my own part in this. I knew he had a partner and I accept responsibility for choosing to remain involved despite that. During the final month, however, his behaviour changed dramatically. He became consistently present in a way he never had before and, based on what he told me (sleeping in his office, sharing custody arrangements for their child, and other details) I genuinely believed his relationship had ended.
Fast forward to last week. He abruptly cut contact, citing “logistical” issues because his partner had found out and saying it was “for the best.”
Looking back, I no longer believe this was an ethical D/s dynamic. It now appears to me that BDSM was used primarily as a framework for obtaining sexual gratification without the consistency, care, communication and accountability that ethical power exchange requires.
Does this read as an inexperienced Dominant, a negligent one, or someone who never intended to take on the responsibilities that come with dominance? I’d really value the perspective of experienced BDSM practitioners who might be able to shed light on what I’ve lived through. I’m equally open to hearing where I should have recognised the red flags sooner or approached things differently.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and reply.