u/hellothereanonymous

So the day I have been dreading has come….. I will be attending something at the Orthodox church I grew up in. It has been many years since I stopped going to church and started deconstructing. The couple times I have been to church since were unremarkable. There were covid restrictions (way less people), the service was not at my childhood church, or I didn’t stay to talk with people after. But even those experiences were years ago, and now I don’t remember the last time I was in an Orthodox church.

I have been avoiding going there for as long as possible. I’m worried about being in the physical space, what level of participation to fake, seeing people I haven’t seen in years, and huge fears about questions I might be asked. I have since gotten married outside the church and have only become more disconnected as the years go on. I’m unsure how honest to be and wondering how to get out of conversations. I also don’t know how much people know about my life now. I know people ask my family about me, but I’m not really sure what they say. My family also for the most part doesn’t know what I do or don’t believe anymore.

Any advice on how to navigate this is appreciated. I’m in therapy and have been trying to let go of the people pleasing and everything, but I still have such a long way to go. Doesn’t help that my family is VERY involved in the church so I can’t help but fear that they will be looked at in a certain way because of me.

This is my first post and I’m not really sure where to begin. I’ve been reading posts on here for some time and am so grateful for this community as it helps me feel like I’m not alone.

It feels like I left the church quite some time ago, but it also feels like just yesterday. I was cradle born and my family is very connected to the church. I’m not very open with my family about where I stand now, they also haven’t asked for a while, and I’m not even sure what I would tell them if they were to ask me about my beliefs today.

Even though I am the most at peace I’ve ever been about my beliefs, I still have a long way to go. I’m realizing deconstructing is more of an active thing than I maybe thought. I also find it hard to describe my experiences to others. I know I am bothered by my upbringing, but I also don’t feel like I can explain it well. However, when I hear others talk about issues and deconstructing I strongly relate and I wish I had the words to describe my own experience better. I also feel like over the years I’ve had phases where I am doing lots of deconstructing but then phases where I maybe don’t think about it as often. Not once have I considered going back to the church though.

Right now I’m the most motivated I’ve probably ever been to deconstruct further. I think it’s just the time in life and it coincides with overall feeling better with life, getting over other struggles, and planning for the future. I’m also realizing that I will probably soon need to interact with the church whether that be at a funeral or a wedding, so I think I’m also wanting to prepare myself for that.

I have lots of questions for the group but kept holding back as I’d start to write something out then never finish writing it to post. Today I decided to end that and instead of overthinking it all to just write and post something and go from there. I’m looking forward to connecting with you all further :)