Feeling pleasure during checking
TW(?) Long emotional post
Please help me. I've been checking all day with the same person in their explicit videos and I really didn't think I was lying to myself when I said I didn't get aroused. And I think I genuinely felt miserable watching them. I still forced myself to finish to them even though I hated it because it's just something I have to do. Once I start even if I pass all my tests (which I never want to do in the first place) I still force myself to go all the way because I feel too dirty and contaminated to be normal again. But the 4th time with the same person in videos I thought I felt actual pleasure with his vidoes.
I don't want to be lying about having OCD. I don't think I've been lying because these 24/7 non stop intrusive sexual thoughts are gross to me and I don't think I'm lying when I cried the times I just wanted to go to sleep or lay down because my head was so heavy and I ended up doing it because the thoughts wouldn't stop.
I don't want it to be real because I don't want to ever be with men romantically or sexually and I feel so empty inside when I imagine waking up to a boyfriend or husband next to me. I don't care if you can be bisexual and still have a girlfriend anyways because I don't want to ever get on that level with men at all not even once. And it's not even because of my religion or shame it's just because it doesn't make me happy. I'm miserable about everything in life and I've never regularly enjoyed sexual fantasies about the other sex either but I was so excited to be a good boyfriend to a girlfriend one day and to spend my life with a woman that I love but it doesn't seem possible now everything just seems so dark and empty. I can't explain why it can't logically work with men either it just doesn't makes me happy.
But now I feel like there's no hope because it felt real this time and it felt like I genuinely felt pleasure with the video. I don't think I was lying the other three times but now the voice in my head is saying it was right all along that I was just repressing it. Please someone tell me can it ever feel like real pleasure when it gets bad. I don't want to do this anymore I feel so sick in my stomach. But now I feel tied to it forever after this night with no choice. I've had POCD thoughts too what if those were real too