u/highfunctionin

What does good look like? I’ve heard:

- leading the witness
- doing the work for them
- coaching ie questions to help them figure it out
- being present but letting them do the homework and if they get it wrong, so be it
- letting them try first, then correcting it all before they hand in it in

Obviously the first two are not it (and yet it happens in our circle of friends), but what would you recommend?

I want my child to keep they’d love for learning, but also dare to make mistakes ie learn.

Just when I think I understand it all, another layer/angle decides to wave at me.

Today’s layer made me realize that I am also (!) a repeat of my Dad’s upbringing. My grandmother ditched her first son (he grew up with her wicked mother), while she moved on with a new husband and family. Son and mother were worlds apart. How do you leave your child behind? Wipe your hands clean of any parenting?

Meanwhile I’m with my mother, parentified, no boundaries (she let me pen pal my arrested elementary school p3do teacher, and she arranged a prison visit), cosmetic procedures because my face wasn’t pleasing, having verbally abusive boyfriends and a husband, calling me a whore and victim blaming me. I was the scapegoat, the black sheep. Just like her, except she found my sibling to be her golden child, her mirror.

I for years was in denial that my upbringing wasn’t that bad. People have it way worse than I did, I said. Abuse is not a competition. Nor is trauma.

I just want to be done with all these damn layers already. Can I skip go and collect 200 already?

Professionally, I think I must have been a walking billboard for trauma for 20+ years. The codependent, overachieving person. Did everyone see this except me?

That is where I am at right now.

I picked up a Melody Beattie miracle book. I’d love a few miracles in my life versus the swamp I hang out in.

EDIT: Thanks so much to this sub for helping guide me 🙏

My (just turned) 7 year of daughter just finished the equivalent of first grade (we have a so-called preschool class to gently get them used to school).

I’ve looked at our curriculum, i have had the developmental conversations, and I have been told multiple times to relax.

However, my daughter’s handwriting hasn’t changed over the course of the year, use of upper/lowercase is still mixed, spelling is done phonetically mostly. She loves to journal and write stories often, but wondering if really she shouldn’t be further ahead…?

For reading, I’ve pushed this with her in two languages (we’re a multilingual household), so on alternate days she reads to us for 5 mins (it’s meant to ramp up to 10 mins next year in our first grade (second grade in Canada/US).

A few questions I’d love your guidance with:

1. Am I right to be concerned? Or should I really just let it go.
2. The teacher she gets next year will be her teacher for the consecutive three years. I’m concerned she is falling behind.
3. - How can I know her teacher is meeting her needs (both challenging and supporting)?
4. - What can I be doing as a parent on the side?

From Adult Survivors of Emotionally Abusive Parents.

This book resonates so much. Healing to each of you.