u/hiker9811

I’m just grateful for where I am in life and I hope you all are too. I mean holy shit in this economy the upper middle can buy food, we can save for retirement, many if us have houses, and we have discretionary income!

I’m literally living my dream life. The upper middle may not be “rich” but holy shit so many of us have come so far. I’m 33 and you could not have convinced 16 year old me that the upper middle isn’t rich. You also couldn’t have convinced 23 year old me that this isn’t rich.

For us, my husband and I eat out all the time. We pay for things for friends and family. We buy stuff without worrying about it. We never know when the next paychecks hit. We’re cash flowing IVF. Money is not a major deciding factor in many of our decisions. We max out our retirements, invest in index funds, and we move on with life. I know we don’t have yachts and private jets, but we are so unbelievably lucky.

I hope my fellow upper-middles are able to sleep well knowing your family gets to eat and you can replace a popped car tire. Well done everyone!

TLDR; be intentional/selective, initiate often, don’t cancel plans.

My husband and I moved to a suburb of a city and wanted friends so badly. I ran in to all the issues you see on this sub; people who don’t respond, people who don’t actually want to meet up, flakey people, or just people you don’t click with. It’s basically been a part time job and over the past 8 months we have met 12 couples and hung out with all of them a bunch. Now of the 12, only 8 we actually liked and 4 who we’ve become good friends with and formed a group. We still hangout with all 8 though. Below is what I’ve found works.

(1) First and foremost, be ruthless in your swipe criteria. For us, that meant no city people because we want friends who want to do things in the burbs. I only swiped on women in relationships. I only swiped on women in a certain age range. I only swiped on women who I thought I’d have a chance to be real friends with. (2) Don’t cancel plans, ever. Seriously if you are not in the ER don’t cancel. Too bad if you’re tired or don’t feel like going out anymore. Make plans, put them in your calendar and show up. If someone cancels on your first hangout, move on. If someone cancels more than once maybe twice during the friendship building stage, move on. You can’t build a friendship off the internet if both parties aren’t equally consistent in showing up. (3) Don’t continue to give your time to people you don’t click with just because they’re nice. This is tough. We met a couple who was very nice but in such a different place in life than us it just didn’t click. We kept them around for way too long and we eventually started dreading the hangouts. (4) You have to be the initiator and not be passive. Ask people to hangout, keep initiating, keep showing up. You don’t build friendships online by getting coffee once a quarter. Try music bingo or trivia for a first hangout, grab a low key dinner for another hangout, do drinks one night, find a cute park to walk around, go for a chill hike, hit a winery, and generally just be eager but not needy.

My favorite formula is this: first and second hangout is a double date, third hangout id schedule for just me and the other girl, and by hangout 4 I’m introducing them to another couple my husband and I have met. It doesn’t always workout this way but the point is, you have to be okay with being the initiator basically all the time until things get off the ground.