Hocd - please I need help
I am 26years old man. Sorry if my English is not good but it is not my native language.
Since I know myself I was chasing girls. I remember most of them since my young. I was dreaming about having kids, marry to woman. Touching every single girl in my class throw my high school time. Dreaming how I will sleep with my female teachers and etc. The number of times I was heartbroken by girls and sad and depressed was infinite. Everybody in my company knew me and always saw me of the Romeo(from Romeo and Juliette ) but now I am having a girlfriend.
I was a child full with energy and dreams. But also with intrusive thoughts.
How I will choke with food and I will die and till this day I am eating really carefully.
How are pill will stuck in my throat and I will eventually die and also until this day I feel calm when I have to break it and swallow it in the kitchen next to the TV.
How are wasp or fle will go inside my ear and I will go deaf and also before 2-3 years I was sleeping with blanket over my head. And very very much
When I was 15 my health anxiety spiked because I was ill and I search for cancer in the brain and I found a similar symptom and I freaked out. I won't go in much details but for year and few months I felt every single symptom of every cancer but I went to therapist and was diagnosed with health anxiety and I fixed little by little.
Over the years I had many inttusive thoughts about death of my closest friends or family. I had for 1-2 days thoughts about harming my current girlfriend but it just passed. I didn't know what intrusive mean.
My painful story began with nearly close break up with my current girlfriend with which I am from 2022 year. I was the happiest guy in the world because our relationship was so healthy, without jealousy, nothing. Of course there was in the beginning.
As I said when we was near breaking up (because of her) I developed really big uncertainty about her feelings. I was constantly feared she was gonna break up with me and every single day I was asking did she still love me because I would cry my eyes out if I didn't know the answer.
When we had one of our sexual intercourse a face of man appeared in my mind. I said to myself what the heck. It turned me off. The next time, the same thing.
What the fuck was wrong with me.
3rd or April, 2025. MY LAST LUCID DAY. After 2 days I was having a team building meeting. There was a nearly 56-57 year old co worker. He was speaking very well, had good charisma, was good looking guy.
Scenarios started to flow in my mind with him and I then the thought that changed my life since that day, appeared...
"Why are you looking at him like you are gay".
This freaked the shit out of me and the first thing I did was to leave the meeting, go to the toilet and just play a straight adult videos to disprove this thought.
I kind of releaf but the thought was just chasing me. In the evening I was men, started to notice them more and more and was so anxious, didn't know what was happening with me. During the night I had a wet dream with my old ex and I was calm for a few hours after morning.
The thoughts just kept chasing me, how I have to marry a guy, how I have to do sex with a guy. I had such a big anxiety and low guilt about those thoughts. Was i really attracted to him? Why i started to notice guys more and more and woman less and less?
Few days later after constant anxiety i told my mother and also my girlfriend about my thoughts and they supported me. That we will go thru this together, my mother told me this is was the same with the health anxiety just shifted it with gay thoughts. I was good again for few hours a day but i couldn't stay normal when I didn't knew what was happening with me...
My sex drive dissappear out of nowhere. My brain confused the shit out me when I had a little tinggle in my groinal when I saw a just random guy abs.
Guys. I was raised as a sport guy. At 13 years old I started practice kick boxing, taekwondo and trained it until this period and for God sake I never found abs or men bodies handsome or something that I would like to be with. Of course I was jealous if someone is better than me. I was raised with really low self-esteem and always founded the problems inside me if I was rejected by a girl.
Started to notice everything. Their lips, their eyes. Everything. And for the topping started to notice they groinal. Couldn't watch anymore a video that include penis because I was constantly anxious. From a normal sex life throw the years to 2 times a week and without real desire. Started to doubt my feelings about my girlfriend, did I really loved her. Did I loved every girl i was with. Was my past real. Did I live in a lie.
Visited my old therapist, told her everything i felt and she bet that if I am gay that she will destroy her higher education diploma for psychologist.
I cried my eyes out of happiness after I heard what she told me. But after few hours the doubts started again. And again. I was constantly checked my groin every time I felt something down there.
I couldn't stay near my friends without having those thoughts of kissing them, do something with them. Even my closest persons. I couldn't stay shirtless because I was feared any men will find me handsome. I started to doubt even that. All my life I wanted to be handsome and look good to girls. I didn't care for men. But I doubt every single thing in my life. My dreams started to be full of men. I couldn't sleep well. Started to read stories about how gay man realized they were in mid life. In the beginning again I calmed myself because those guys really didn't have nothing about woman. Until I started to doubt even that? What if I only thought I was attracted to woman? All those stories. All those gay porns, all that penis checking all the day thru this very day... it is so painful, so distressing. Like I could attach for everything.
Started to making a scenarios in my head to see will I like it with men. And everytime I tell myself "no you have to stop" anxiety pass, another feeling of uncertainty flow into my mind and have to do this again and again. For over 30 times a day.
Have to constantly analyze what i have for men. I feel something that's not right. Why i don't have this feeling and calming feeling when j am with woman and especially my girlfriend. Everytime I feel aroused by her my mind will always try to put a man to this picture. A keep looking a pictures of guys groinals to see what i feel. Sometimes I feel disgusted and after some time I don't. Why i don't feel disgust. Why does it feel like a curiosity. Why do I feel like I am closeted gay. I can't find peace because of this uncertainty.
Now I am visiting therapist especially in OCD and anxiety disorders. And also she bet I have HOCD. Told me about how I should stop to engage with the thoughts, to accept them. How I should have to stop checking a male genitals, stop creating those scenarios and many more. But I feel like this just is a constant part of my life now. Like it is automatic.
For example:
Just see a random guy, see he is good looking man. And I have to see what i will feel if I create something in my mind with him. And when I feel something down in my groinal the anxiety will spiked again. I have to stop what I am doing and to look again pictures of male genitalia, body and etc until I have the pleasurable answer in my head that I will never do anything with him.
And this is my whole day and everyday for 1 year. There are times that my attraction to girls is coming back and I realizing how ridiculous this is to think I am gay. But it will always come back.
Also my therapist told me I am not doing ERP. instead of expose to the fear and not doing compulsions I am doing exactly the compulsion. Just to see. But again the doubt start. Is this HOCD. Am I this kind of guy that have all his live some types of OCD, had to think he has HOCD and then found he is gay.
Everything, dear therapists.
I feel anxious around men. But I saw a stories about gays that are in denial also had anxiety around them. And what if I am like them?
My relationship is not going well I and I know I will loose the greatest girl in my life. Because everytime we see each other i will always be anxious and sad because of the thoughts. And always to analyze everhing I am feeling. She is not happy in our relationship. I am with her since 2022 and I had no doubts about my life before.
I can't distinguish the false attraction from real now.
I know you will tell me to stay with the uncertainty but I want one more opinion from high quality therapist.
Is it normal sometimes to have false interest? Is it normal my brain to create all those scenarios with men and feel like I am aroused? Is it normal to live my life in lie. I can't trust myself anymore about anything.
As I read over 100+ articles about everything connected to LGBTQ, about denial, about hetenormativity. I didn't even knew this was a thing. How could I be with a girls, like girls, cry about them and could fake it? This is insane. But again. I doubt even that. Sometimes my anxiety is so big that I loose even smell and all feelings just dissappear until my brain restarts.
Is this HOCD or denial?
Is is normal to feel all my life was a lie and I never was attracted to woman?
What are those intrusive feelings? am I experiencing them?
I will be the most thankful person if I can get your answear!
Thank you!