u/hopefullymigrating

Hey everyone, I'm 36 years old in the U.S. I have struggled with severe depression since childhood. I had an extremely traumatic childhood with two mentally ill, addicted, impoverished parents. It really pushed me into a depressed and dark place at an early age.

I would deeply appreciate any compassionate and realistic guidance, or perspectives from people who have lived similar experiences.

I managed to graduate with a degree in Liberal Arts on time at 22. After that I had no idea what to do. I worked random jobs and was eventually fired from pretty much all of them. This is because I would burn out and be unable to attend anymore. It seemed really hard for me to keep a job longer than a year, and I never made positive relationships with my supervisors.

In 2018 I realized I could go to graduate school. I wanted to help people, and I have always enjoyed psychology, so I pursued social work (MSW). I ended up taking a break from the program in early 2020 because of multiple factors, most prominently my depression.

For the next few years I worked random jobs that I would either be fired from or have to eventually quit. For the same reasons as ever. I am anguished about this pattern and am determined to change it.

In 2024 I realized I wanted to try to finish my MSW. I transferred to a less expensive program. I'm now 15 credits away from graduating, mostly internship (which worries me -- I have a much easier time with classes than internship).

At this point, with my work history, with my lack of strong relationships with supervisors or professors, I'm really concerned about my employment prospects even if I finish my MSW.

Part of me is feeling like I should have pursued a Peer Support Specialist cert instead. It seems like employers would be more understanding of my story.

I have actually tried applying for disability, twice, and was denied both times. At this point I would rather focus on giving it my all and learning to be more consistent at a job.

I am absolutely determined to turn my patterns around and become a consistent employee. It's my life mission right now. I want to set my life up to give myself every opportunity to succeed.

I guess my questions are, would Peer Support Specialist jobs be more understanding than a typical job?

Should I just finish my MSW while I work some random retail or security job, i.e. one that doesn't require references?

What about a Certified Recovery Support Specialist cert? Better or worse employment prospects? I do have some addiction/recovery experience from a much earlier time in my life, but the fundamental issue has been my depression and related fatigue.

Or should I switch gears and try a different approach? I'm considering getting a CNA while I finish my MSW so that there are jobs available to me with a lower barrier and I can build up consistent references and experience, then transition into like geriatric social work where my CNA experience could be an asset.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I just feel so hopeless and stuck right now. I live in a major city with a competitive job market and unfortunately cannot move, for a couple of reasons.

Thank you so much if you've read this far.

Just want to vent a bit and seek understanding. My best friend of 19 years deals with BPD. They've always been difficult, escalating small issues into blowouts, etc. I have always tried to be understanding and deal with these situations as best I can. I know she went through some severe childhood trauma. And the good parts of the friendship made the rough patches worth it. After all, she has a host of great qualities and can be very loyal and caring.

But this week, I can't do it anymore. I have been in a depression these past few months because my father and my dog died of cancer one after the other. It's taken me about 6 months, but one day recently I woke up and I was feeling a bit better. I felt hope, clarity, and belief in myself. I shared this improvement with my friend and her response was along the lines of, "Take it from me, you are being unrealistic, things will get bad again. This is just a passing delusion. You need CBT."

Her response repulsed me. It made me really suspect that my doing a bit better felt threatening to her somehow.

Later that week I was in my internship and didn't answer her texts fast enough for her liking. "Well enjoy your new happy life." She proceeded to engage me in a 3 day argument about what a terrible person I am for not being available to her all the time and for having a normal anger response and not being totally warm and accommodating to her.

I finally told her she is ill and needs BPD counseling. I went through and lucidly pointed out all of the things she said that made no sense. I told her I dont want to waste my life in circular arguments about nothing. Then I muted the conversation. She ended the friendship.

Mostly I just feel angry. For years I walked on egg shells. Every week there was some new grave sin I was committing against her. And for years I tried to accomodate her ridiculous wishes.

I don't have a lot of friends. This is a major blow to my support system. So that's my main worry.