u/horseonahill

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TLDR: I can do other types of part-time work but trying to start a job for the third time in social work spirals me to a point I have 10/10 anxiety, SI, flashbacks of being a scared and fearing for my life, feeling like a lost kid again, severely depressed and anxious, etc. And I just got my degree (as part of a career change). Why does this happen to me each time? I got offered a part time social work position and it happened again. I feel like I wasted a grad degree... I feel so shameful, insignificant, a waste of space, etc.

Context:

I'm in my early 40s if that really matters. i was diagnosed with CPTSD in early 2025 and have been having a hard time navigating my way back to a social work career that false-started twice (if that is even something I can do anymore). Here is some context if you want more background of my journey to now, as I sit here in bed trying to feel comfortable and safe (not in SI or anything, just fight/flight/freeze stuff).

I got my Master's in Social Work and my LMSW in 2024 and felt ready to go out there and be a therapist. I've always been anxious but I was excited about my new career path). That summer, my partner's father passed away and I was there to experience the whole thing from the time she found him to his final breath in the hospital. At that point, something shut off in me. I started to have flashbacks of that one night so I sought help. I saw my therapist more and then sought EMDR. EMDR helped me through that life event. Still, I felt like something "broke" in me. So we dove into my childhood/teenage/racial trauma, being bullied, traumatic experiences with the Church, and much more. At some point during my time at EMDR, I thought I was ready to finally start my career. Unfortunately, long story short, I tried twice and in the first week, I quit without seeing clients. I sobbed every day, had SI, was severely depressed, high anxiety, dissociated the entire, and more. I was so scared... Like I was a child again. After the second time trying to work, I was hospitalized then did 2 partial hospitalization stays to "stabilize" me. It was a blur after, not working, trying to find joy in life. I finally started working part time jobs (e.g., tutoring students, music related gigs). It gave me traction on my own self esteem, direction in life, finding joy and so on, BUT not with finances and bills. The program I tutored offered me a part time social work position that paid well. As soon as we talked more about the position, the same feelings of 10/10 anxiety, intense fear and somatic "holy crap I'm in danger" and "I'm a scared little child again" happens again. My sleep is starting to get affected, I'm more agitated and my music related jobs are not joyful again. Anhedonia is so real here...

So what the hell? Why is this happening again? I wanted to be a therapist, support marginalized folks, and be a social worker, but now the thought of it scares the shit out of me to a point of dysfunction. I feel lost, purposeless, and a piece of wasted life. I just need a hug so bad. I need that switch that broke or turned off to turn back on again so I can feel like myself...

Have you been through this? Is there hope for someone like me?

I want to feel less alone in this... Any support, shared experience, etc. would be helpful. Thank you in advance.

It's getting harder and harder to work even a part time job because of symptoms of CPTSD. I've been trying to get my career started after graduating 2 years ago but increased fear, anxiety, SI, hypervigilance, dissociation, and more gets the best out of my ability to do a work task like a "neurotypical" person. I can do a handful of hours at random jobs but after a while symptoms get worse.

Have you been there? What was it like? What did you do to accommodate this or did you go another direction? Any support is appreciated because I'm spiraling.