The epitome of pathetic: me
Hey guys. What’s up?
Imma be honest here because I feel like you guys get me. I’m so chronically lonely, I don’t know what to do with it anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I have absolutely no regard for myself and all I feel capable of doing is begging people to even just look at me. To give a shit, no matter how insignificant it is. I don’t respect myself at all and keep texting and calling people who clearly don’t give a shit and haven’t in a long long time. I don’t know how to be around people anymore. I don’t know how to just be, yk. I have no real confidence. I have no positive feelings toward myself at all. I have stopped caring myself to the point of not being able to care for myself unless I know someone will see me. Even then sometimes I don’t even shower. I feel pathetic and I feel like trash. I’m surprised when people consider me a person. When they say my name like I exist, because to myself, I don’t. All I do is eat all day and sleep and cry. I have virtually no one that gives a shit if I live or die. As a kid I used to think I was being overdramatic when I thought they won’t even notice for days if I kms. Now, it is really true. It would take days of not weeks for people to notice I’m gone. And when I try to talk about it, it’s always “you’ve got a good life, what are you sad about?” and I feel like I’ve gaslit myself into believing it. My life is perfect, I’m the problem. It’s always me. I’m invisible. I’m pathetic beyond repair. I’m useless.
I’ll tell you about 2 things that happened recently so yk what I mean. My best friend of 2 years just blocked me and completely cut me off because I was too much for her to handle. Maybe I was, but yeah. I BEGGED for her back for months. I cried, I begged, I went to her house… I did everything someone with no self respect would do. She said no each time. She said to my face how she had no respect for me and how much my begging inconvenienced her. I still kept going. I couldn’t stop. I still can’t.
My therapist told me I don’t share. So I prepped for a month and then poured my heart out to her. She told me to get over it. Basically. To seek help elsewhere and disconnected the call after 20 minutes. I laughed at the time but it makes my skin crawl now.
Other than that, my parents don’t care enough to call anymore. I have no friends. I keep texting old friends/exes who leave me on read because of how desperate I am. I’m the epitome of pathetic. I don’t think you can get anymore pathetic than this. I want to believe it when I tell myself I don’t give a shit, but if that was true, I wouldn’t be here.