u/hulla_balooo

My partner became seriously ill when we were both quite young, and for a long time I was effectively his caregiver. There were hospital stays, major surgery, periods where I genuinely thought he might die, and all the practical and emotional stress that comes with that.

What I didn’t expect was how many friendships would fall apart when I started needing support.

I’ve always been the friend people come to with their problems, so I assumed that when something genuinely awful happened to me, I could lean on those same people. Instead, some disappeared, got uncomfortable with how stressed I was, or seemed to decide I was simply too much.

One of the strangest parts was people actually starting to villainise my partner. Because I was exhausted, anxious, upset and sometimes struggling, some friends seemed to interpret that as evidence that the relationship was unhealthy rather than the fairly obvious fact that having a seriously ill partner is incredibly stressful.

If I vented about something he did while sick, or admitted caregiving was difficult, it could become “he treats you badly” rather than “two scared, exhausted people are dealing with something horrible.” There seemed to be very little room for the reality that I could deeply love my partner, have a good relationship, and still find caring for him incredibly hard.

I wasn’t expecting friends to become my caregivers. I just needed people to occasionally listen, distract me, ask how I was doing, or let me say “I’m terrified and exhausted” without turning that distress into a judgement about my relationship.

It was probably one of the loneliest parts of the whole experience. The person I would normally lean on was the person who was sick, and at the same time I was discovering that some of the people I thought were my support system weren’t actually capable of supporting me.

Did anyone else find that caregiving changed their friendships, or have people mistake the stress of caregiving for evidence that there was something wrong with your relationship?

Pretty much what is says in the title. A very close friend of a decade, who seemed extremely trustworthy, and who we had a mutually emotionally open relationship with.

Half a year ago I had an anxiety attack when I was out with her, her bf, and another friend - my aunt was in hospital after an accident and I was extremely worried. Instead of being there for me, she became distant, made a few comments about this ruining the day, and then told me and our friend that she and her boyfriend were going to continue on and “make the most of the rest of the day”.

Mutual friend was shocked and furious with her, I felt really ashamed about my anxiety getting the better of me. I then proceeded to hear nothing from my friend for months as she ghosted me.

Eventually, apparently at the convincing of said mutual friend, she messaged me wanting to apologise. We met up, and her apology seemed sincere and heartfelt, her even crying. She said she was sorry she was being selfish and that ghosting me was fucked up too. It seemed genuine and I cautiously accepted the apology.

Then, a few weeks later, our mutual friend found out through people in her wider friendship circle - people I only vaguely know - that she’d been talking about me for months.

Not just “we fell out” gossip, either. She had apparently shared extremely personal things I’d told her in confidence, including details about my trauma history. She’d also completely rewritten what happened that day, portraying me as basically going crazy and becoming violent during the panic attack. The mutual friend who was literally there is adamant that this did not happen.

In her version, she was apparently the long-suffering friend who “regretfully” had no choice but to cut me off because of my behaviour. Funnily enough, my aunt being in hospital didn’t make it into the story.

So yeah. This is part of why I increasingly opt for AI when I need to process something.

People constantly bring up privacy as the reason you should never tell an AI anything personal, while acting as though telling another human being is somehow inherently safe. It isn’t. A chatbot isn’t going to tell six mutual friends about my childhood trauma because it’s embarrassed about how it behaved and wants to get its version of events out first.

And whenever people criticise using AI for emotional support, the answer is inevitably “get a real therapist.” But one of the major advantages of a therapist over simply confiding in friends is professional confidentiality. Apparently that concern about confidentiality becomes irrelevant the second the affordable alternative is AI.

Yes, I’m aware AI companies collect data. I’m not under the impression I’m whispering into a magical privacy void. But before AI, I was Googling half this stuff anyway. Alphabet already has an absolutely horrifying amount of information about me and uses it to sell advertising.

There are very legitimate criticisms of using AI as a substitute for therapy, particularly if someone is seriously mentally unwell or treating it as an unquestionable authority. But I find the blanket “talk to real people instead because AI isn’t safe” argument increasingly bizarre.

Real people can also mishandle incredibly sensitive information. Except sometimes they do it at brunch, with your name attached.

I’m so angry and upset and in pain and I want to strangle any healthcare professional I have to deal with.

A year ago a cyclist who lost control hit me HARD. I fell onto concrete and I remember feeling a horrible pain shoot up my spine.

Since that incident, I have had debilitating head pain almost 24/7, which gets worse when I’m upright and better from lying down. I can’t put my head below my hips without experiencing a thunderclap of pain. I have EDS so I’m extra susceptible.

I went to the doctors to have this checked out, but all they did was do CT Scans without contrast (despite me pushing for it), before concluding they couldn’t see anything so I was fine. They said I just had generic migraines and made me go down that pathway.

It’s been a year and I’m on migraine meds and I’m still in daily pain the moment I stand up. The doctors do not care and just tell me at this point that I must be lying that I take good care of myself and the current conclusion is that I must be dehydrated or anxious.

I’m at a loss and so fucking upset I don’t know how to get anyone to take me seriously.