is my [25F] boyfriend [25M] really just busy, or is something else going on?
tldr - Over the 3 months weve been official, Ive been feeling like my boyfriend has been putting in less effort, although he claims to just be busy.
For some background, we’re both in our 20s and met at college. We’ve been dating for 8 months, and official for 3. The first few months of dating were perfect - he was sweet, thoughtful, respectful and did everything right. He was open with his feelings and communicated very well, which are two things that are very important to me.
We both had a pretty full schedule, but would see each other every weekday at school and sometimes on weekends. School ended in April, and he landed a full time job. I also worked a part time, often less hours than him. At first, things continued as normal. We would see each other occasionally throughout the week, and always on weekends. He would check in on his lunch, and various times throughout the day if we weren’t seeing each other. Usually, we would talk on the phone or play games once a week as well. Knowing that he was very busy, it felt good that he was making an effort to make time for me.
The first red flag I spotted was in July. After slowly dating for months, there was no talk about us becoming official or getting more serious. To be completely fair, I hadn’t said much about it either, but was used to him taking the lead up until this point with us progressing. I sat him down and asked about it, and he said that he assumed I had wanted to move slow since I hadn’t mentioned anything. What bothered me was that this talk took place in public and he immediately asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told him the pressure didn’t need to be on him to be the one to make it official; I just wanted to know where we were at. I also mentioned that if he did want to ask me, I would prefer it to not be immediately after I had asked him what we are. A week or so later, he got me flowers, asked me again and we officially became a couple.
Throughout the summer, I started noticing little things. He stopped frequently texting me on his lunch breaks, and we started seeing each other less. By this point week days were pretty much ruled out, due to him being tired after work. We would still see each other on weekends, but instead of it being every weekend like before, he would now make plans with friends and sometimes was too busy all weekend. We had talked about planning a short trip and I had mentioned it over a dozen times, asking when he was free so we could book but it ended up taking over a month to confirm the date. Around this time, I sat him down and had a talk with him about how I felt. I let him know I felt like he was putting in less effort, and although it was early in our relationship, I was confused on why it felt like things had changed. He told me that he hadn’t noticed, and would work on it.
Around August, not much had changed. His work hours and workload have been the same since his job started. I noticed that he started spending more time with friends, which did not bother me but it was the fact that a lot more of his “available days” (usually the weekend) were now filled with hangouts with them. I will add that we live half an hour apart, while his friends are in his city. The distance was never a problem, as I was more than willing to come to him rather than him driving to me after a long day. Our phone calls became more infrequent, usually once every two weeks. We used to text often, but his responses are a lot slower than they used to be. If he was busy on the weekend, we would sometimes see each other once during the week but only for a few hours since he needed to get up early. By the end of summer it had dropped to once a week, sometimes a week and a half.
In September, he started going to the gym three times a week. By this point, he would see his friends most weekends and usually once on a weekday, even though it was rare for us after s work day. I have brought up my concerns multiple times, letting him know that I don’t have a problem with him being busy, but with the amount of effort seeming to drop. He has repeatedly said he doesn’t feel like things have changed and he would work on it.
Now in current time, I am just utterly confused. When we spend time together, things are still amazing but when we’re apart, I feel as though I’m on the back burner. I’m starting to feel crazy, because on paper he’s been a great boyfriend apart from this issue. There are moments where I wonder if I’m just reading too much into things. We went on the trip we had planned, and spent two days together. We also recently met each other’s families.
I think it’s important to mention that throughout this whole time, I don’t think my efforts have changed. I still do the little things - I love to cook, and will surprise him with food. Although I also can get busy with work, friends and family, I have always made time for him. By this point, I am often the one asking to make plans (in person, phone calls, playing games) and am frequently met with him being busy or tired from work. It feels as though he fills his schedule up, and I receive what little time is left over. I’m not sure how to proceed. I really like the guy, but am starting to feel like its not worth it anymore.