LA roomies 💕[Wanted]
My roomate does not feel we are a good fit anymore so to help out I have crafted this ad on her behalf to help her find her perfect fit. If this sounds like it could be you please feel free to reach out 😁
🚨 ROOM FOR RENT 🚨
Seeking emotionally resilient, telepathic roommate for spiritually curated household ✨
About the home:
2 bed / 1.5 bath shared with me, an eco-conscious household authority figure who values communication (from you specifically), immediate dish sanitation, and complete alignment with my personal lifestyle philosophy.
Requirements include:
• Must exclusively use artisanal bamboo toilet paper because apparently regular toilet paper is “bleached” and therefore a war crime against my asshole.
• No regular candles. We breathe vibes here.
• Approved cat litter ONLY. Your preferences on how you care for your animal are not relevant. only my preferences.
• Self-cleaning litter boxes are banned despite there being an entire two-story house simply because I do not want to make space for one.
• Please report all movements, estimated return times, and general whereabouts as though you are checking in with air traffic control.
• Shared spaces are fully furnished (by me) so you will be allotted approximately 11 square inches of storage and two emotionally charged bathroom drawers.
• You will also be paying equal rent despite not having the master bedroom and enjoying the luxury experience of exclusive street parking while I park safely behind the gated fence in the driveway.
• Despite you signing a lease directly with the landlord and not me, I will still periodically behave as though I personally hold the legal and spiritual authority to remove you from the property at any moment.
• You are expected to clean dishes immediately after use unless I leave mine out, in which case it’s different somehow.
• Piano concerts may occur until ungodly hours of the night and you are expected to support the arts.
• However, starting the washing machine at the wrong time is considered disruptive, hostile, and a direct attack on household peace.
• If conflict arises, I may avoid directly addressing your concerns for several weeks while simultaneously asking why your “energy feels off.”
• Emotional openness required from you at all times. Accountability from me not included.
• If you distance yourself after repeated dismissals, this will be viewed as a hostile act against the household ecosystem.
• Bonus points if you enjoy passive aggression, circular communication, and being told someone is “just direct” moments before your boundaries are ignored.
Household culture:
I value friendship deeply, which is why I will invite men from your past to sleep over without checking if you’re comfortable first ❤️
If you express discomfort, I will remind you I was “telling, not asking.”
Ideal roommate:
• Quiet
• Self-contained
• Doesn’t question uneven distribution of space/resources or use free will to even question uneven consideration
• Able to decipher mixed signals and survive emotionally confusing couch conversations
• Comfortable being both scrutinized and emotionally deprioritized simultaneously
Rent:
Just a hair unfair!
Utilities:
Will be disclosed in a surprise lump sum 5 months later for character development purposes.
Please include a short essay explaining why your basic boundaries are actually negotiable.