Mom of two (BPD/ADHD) paralyzed by anxiety, agoraphobia, and mess-rage. How do I break the cycle?
Hi everyone. I’m looking for some advice, solidarity, or just anyone who has been through this. I’m a mom to two very young boys (a toddler and an infant), and I am currently spiraling down the drain of severe anxiety.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and ADHD for many years, alongside treatment-resistant anxiety and depression. I’m working on getting consistent with my ADHD medication right now, but up until this point, no meds have really helped.
Here is what I am dealing with, broken down because my brain is a bit of a storm right now:
The Background & Relationship Trauma
In 2023, I had my first son. The pregnancy was brutal—I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), was constantly hospitalized for dehydration, and couldn't keep water down for 85% of it. My partner was less than helpful at the time, and I ended up hospitalized myself when our son was 9.5 months old.
By early 2025, things seemed to turn around. We decided to try for another baby, who was born this past fall. While this pregnancy was physically much easier, major relationship issues surfaced. I discovered my partner had been cheating on me with multiple women (one physical, the rest were "text girlfriends").
This post isn't actually about him, but that discovery was the catalyst for the massive anxiety storm I am currently stuck in.
Paralyzing Fear of Leaving the House
Right now, I don't know how to be a self-sufficient mother. Me and my children spend all day inside. I am terrified to leave the house alone with them. My mind constantly plays worst-case scenarios on a loop. I am afraid of them being abducted, having a massive public tantrum I can't manage, or someone getting severely hurt. Because the anxiety takes over, we just "couch rot" all day.
The Mess & Rage Trigger
I am incredibly triggered by messes. Seeing my kids get messy or seeing the house cluttered sends me into an immediate internal rage. Because of this, when my partner is at work, our routine is strictly watching TV, eating snacks, and playing with a disgustingly large amount of toys to keep things "contained." My toddler is already showing behavioral problems because of this environment, and the guilt is eating me alive. I regularly cry before major holidays because I want them to have a magical childhood, but the events trigger too much panic.
My Current Support System
I feel entirely lost. I’ve tried therapy, but the therapists I've seen only want to focus on telling me to leave my partner. Right now, that isn't helpful advice. Despite his past terrible decisions, he is genuinely doing his best right now. When he gets home from work, he completely takes over, cooks, cleans, validates my emotions, and entertains the kids. He is the only immediate support I have.
We do not have "a village." My parents live over an hour away; they do what they can and are the only trustworthy people in our lives to watch the kids, but they aren't down the street.
I love my family so much, but I don't know how to convince my brain that the world isn't terrifying. How do I take the first step out of this survival mode?
TL;DR: Mom of two under three with BPD/ADHD dealing with severe anxiety, agoraphobia, and mess-induced rage. I'm too afraid to leave the house alone with my kids, so we spend all day on the couch, and I feel like I'm failing them. Traditional therapy hasn't helped, and I have no local support system. How do I start breaking this cycle?