Grandparents house isn’t safe and can’t figure out how to explain to daughter (9)
In a jam, and I’m sure this isn’t totally unique if anyone can help me. My wife and I married in 2024, and I officially adopted her daughter over a year later. She is my daughter too, as far as I am concerned, and daughter loves me and accepts that; no issue there. However, her and mom lived with grandparents for the first 5 years of her life. My wife didn’t have many options after the fallout with the biological father. Since moving into my home (2 hours away) my daughter had to acclimate to not only having a new family, but also missing her grands. The first year we let her stay over for Christmas break/some summer days etc. but, grandads alcoholism from these life changes, along with age, began taking the stage. And the more I’ve seen and heard of him, the more I am (mom also) dead set on daughter not staying with them alone. Grandmother is warm and loving to her, but fails to follow our rules, gaslights about her husband’s drinking/safety, and creates anxiety for daughter about not seeing her this past year.
She is welcome to stay in our home, and has a couple of times for a couple of days. And always has a mental breakdown right before leaving because her and grandad are so codependent. They’ve both personally mocked me to my face and behind my back. I can forgive that, but it’s getting out of hand and they refuse to have conversations with conclusions. I feel for my daughter, and she’s confused. We don’t have free time to come see them randomly for a day. And I have my own two boys 9/7 here half the time also.
TL;DR 9yo daughter cannot stay with grandparents that live 2 hours away because of unsafe conditions (alcoholic grandfather). Although she spent her first years of life there. How do we explain to her why it was ok when her and mom lived there (which it really wasn’t) but saf-er with mom there.
I hope this doesn’t come off as a jumbled word salad. She’s currently crying about this and we’re stressed out.