Give me some hope
I have been diagnosed with PDD (dysthymia) and MDD. I have had strong negative thoughts and passive SI for as long as I can remember. I decided to take my mental health more seriously once I got a job/insurance after college and started therapy (CBT) 5 years or so ago, and started on the medication journey. I started taking Auvelity a couple weeks ago. Started once a day for a week, now up to two.
The first two or so days were amazing. That background chatter of intrusive thoughts were completely gone. The stronger, more focused negative thoughts were less 'sticky' and easier to distract myself from. I was feeling good, happy and had energy. Then, the happiness faded into 'even-ness'? It will pull me and help keep me out of the lows for a little bit (though I can still spiral), but I haven't felt that happiness high since. Like I am sitting at a 5/10. Just neutral for a bit, then start dropping again, as it wears off. Which it also doesn't feel like it lasts as long as it should? Maybe 5-6 hours after the dose I can feel it wearing off, leaving a few hour gap until the next dose.
The background chatter is still gone, and thoughts are still less 'sticky' most of the time, but the emotional highs are gone again. I still have the 'drug high' feeling, which makes me feel good, but doesn't make me FEEL good, if that makes sense.
Side effect wise, I have...
- tremors
- sexual dysfunction (delayed ejaculation and lower sensitivity)
- anxiety is stronger (more anxious thoughts) and it feels like I am stumbling over my words more
- jaw clenching
- muscle stiffness in my neck (probably from tensing up from the anxiety)
- tinitus has gotten noticably worse
- blood pressure and heart rate spiked when I started the second dose (already on meds for hypertension)
- I am still getting that 'drug high' feeling a week out from starting the second dose, though, not as strongly
- I feel like I have physical energy, but mentally exhausted and low motivation
I have tried Paxil, which made me disassociate, which I did not like. I have also tried Prozac, which helped the anxiety and raised the 'emotional floor' (lows felt like they couldn't get as low), but made me kind of zombified with brain fog. And now, I am afraid Auvelity might not be for me either.
I have been looking into TMS and Sprivato, which, unfortunately, the closest clinics are over an hour away from me, which makes them impractical. I thought about looking into SNT-TMS and taking a week off of work and staying in a hotel. But, with TMS, the idea of more directly effecting my brain kind of scares me.
I know I just started, but I am tired. I feel done. This trial and error of different medications and interventions that may or may not work is exhausting and is taking forever. I value my brain greatly and hate the idea of messing with it, but I can't do nothing. Please, tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel. That there is some relief, eventually. Give me some hope.