u/iftheronahadntcome

I may have finally met my match when it comes to being adventurous.

I'm a software developer, and I've moved around a lot for work. I'm almost 30 and have lived in a bunch of major US cities. My long-term goal has always been to experience a bunch of different places before eventually settling down somewhere I truly love. I make friends, explore everything a city has to offer, then move on when the next opportunity comes. Because of that, dating has always been difficult. I'm a woman and demisexual, so I don't click with people very often. Even when I meet genuinely kind men, many of them want to settle down quickly and put down roots where we are. That's never really fit my life plan. I'm also very social and have a lot of hobbies, so I don't spend much time just staying home. Being demi helps with that a lot, because it's not like I'm attracted to anyone often or anything.

Recently I met a coworker who is almost exactly my type. We do the same kind of work, he's very social, always trying new classes and activities, and we just seem to have really similar lifestyles. We don't work directly together, but we're on the same broader team (we have only a handful of meetings with the whole team a month) so I've had to come up with excuses to talk to him here and there. I have not had a crush on anyone in years and it feels kind of electric.

Here's where it gets complicated.

Before I even met him, I had already decided I wanted to transfer to his office. I don't like the city I currently live in, and most of my team is already based in his office anyway. I put in a request, it was approved in principle, and I'm supposed to pick a transfer date soon (nothing is officially signed yet). Then, just a few days later, we found out the company is opening a new team in a third city... one that's also been high on my list of places I've always wanted to live.

And then... he casually mentioned that he's planning to transfer to that third city next year when his lease is up, so around the time I'd be arriving in town, he'd be leaving a few months later. So now I'm sitting here trying to decide between two cities that I genuinely wanted to live in anyway, while also wondering whether this is the universe playing some kind of joke on me. Ironically, this is the first time I've experienced the opposite side of what usually happens. Normally I'm the one who's constantly moving while someone else wants to settle down with me. Now I've met someone who seems just as adventurous as I am, and he's the one who's already thinking about the next move. We have very similar lifestyles, and that's hard for me to find. I want to live in a few other large cities that, when I brought it up in a convo with him, he completely understood how stoked I was and was also interested in asking for transfer options there too. This is like a needle-in-a-haystack situation for me, and now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. 😅 But transferring FOR someone I don't even know if he does or could feel the same way is stupid too. I've just been floundering for reasons to talk more and figuring out how to gauge his interest along with the more practical balancing of reasons for moving somewhere (cost, space, etc.)

I'm visiting his city in a few weeks to check out the office before deciding on my transfer (something I've been planning for weeks before the new team announcement), and I'd love to spend a little more time getting to know him while I'm there.

So I guess my questions are:

• Is this even worth pursuing, given that we're both planning future moves?
• How would you approach getting to know a coworker in this situation without making things awkward?
• Has anyone else dated someone whose lifestyle was just as nomadic as their own? How did it work out?

Recently I started painting again so I'm not on my phone. I also read audio books sometimes, and am trying to go out to more community events, classes, and working on personal projects. I'm genuinely trying to leave it where the social side of the internet is a smaller portion of my life . As a result, I feel like it's becoming harder to relate to people? Not in a, "I'm better than everyone else." kinda way, but a, "We literally do live different lives and always have vastly different stuff to talk about." kinda way.

I've noticed that with friendships, them sending you a quick reel of something funny they saw that made them think of you is very normal, and something I used to do. In concept, it's sweet, and 50% of the time I watch those reels, especially if you can't scroll further on them, like someone sending you a reel through Snapchat or something. But I think there's a vacuum where sending someone else a Tiktok back once was - I don't have something to send back bc if I scroll on reels or any short-form media, I'll be there for 2 or 3 hours (I have ADHD). I can tell them about stuff I'm up to, but it always ends the same: "Man, I wish I was actually doing more stuff like you." I never know what to say when people do this because I'm not doing what I do to make anyone feel bad.

Like I'll ask what they did this weekend, and it's usually, "Doomscrolling. You?" Or they go to work and come home and that's it. They just don't do anything else. They'll tell me about Love Island drama, or some argument they got into online, but that's it. I've also started school for the first time (college) some time ago at almost 30, so I'm working my fulltime job, doing college part time, painting, and making projects. There's not much room in there for keeping up with whatever celebrity is doing what, or whatever new internet challenge or Tiktok discourse because I'm just not doing it that often. It's been feeling like making friends is harder partially because of this... I've even had people get angry and insinuate I'm doing this to tell people I'm "too good" for social media or whatever. Does anyone else experience anyting like that?

I recently made another attempt at dating... I used to date a lot, but that involved a lot of trauma and comphet stuff, which lead to me rushing into things with a lot of people and crashing, burning, and materially affecting my life and health. I've been working a lot on spending time on myself to learn my needs (I've intentionally not dated in 2 years), how my brain works, etc.

A big issue I've realized I have now is pacing. It feels like people want a kiss by the first or second date, touching you varying amounts the entire time, and sex within a few weeks. People invite themselves over to my apartment very frivolously. I feel like I have to do that stuff before I can even evaluate someone as a person (if they're nice, if we're compatible, etc.). At this point, I've realized a lot of my sexual trauma comes from being involved with someone and finding out they were lying to me the entire time, were a terrible person, etc. It's traumatic sleeping with someone, holding someone, spending time with someone who I thought really cared about me, but they just wanted something.

On top of it all, since I've found out I'm demi, I've realized how much of me being involved with people has been fear or disassociating or just following a script. I don't want to do this anymore. Thankfully I've found a new, trauma-informed therapist that I like that I can talk about this with.

It feels like the moment I'm on a date with someone, I'm on a speeding train where I can't back things up (downgrade the level of intimacy we have, for example - apparently going from wanting sex to not for a few weeks is a "no-no"and involves you having to promise someone you're not no longer attracted to them anymore) or stop things unless I bail or hop out of it while it's moving. Even if you start as good friends, if you try something with someone (kissing, sex, etc.) and feel afterwards like you weren't ready or want to walk it back, that's not on the table, it feels like. Not to mention with the way people are talking about the "domestic supply of infants" and the "birthing crisis" all over the world, lots of men keep talking to me about kids very early, and I feel like I'm being hunted for fucking sport. People have specific expectations of how much talking to them is "enough", how much emotional labor you're supposed to do... dating feels like being swallowed and I hate it. I am also on the spectrum, so my executive functioning takes a hit while trying to manage someone else's feelings (which inevitably happens, and is expected in heteronormative contexts - that your partner is supposed to be EVERYTHING to you). The last time I dated someone, I went from eating 3 meals a day to 1, and that person lived in another state and didn't even live near me (I'm still recovering).

My therapist said we're going to work on me signalling/communicating to people that something is too much, but I have mental health stuff and routines I have to manage, and it feels like people have so much to learn about me to not come at me in a way that will scare me off. What have you all done to deal with this?