u/iheartgardening5

I’m coming to this sub from a place of desperation and could use some support/advice for continuing to be an effective person she can continue to turn to for emotional support.

I’m a part time caregiver (I live in another state) for my sister (53f, we will call her A) who was diagnosed with stage 4b clear cell carcinoma of the ovaries in March. This entire experience has obviously been a nightmare for her and everyone else involved but I need advice for managing my emotions so I can be there in a better capacity for A. For quick context, she is married so she has her husband as primary support. We are estranged from our mom so there’s no help there, and we have two sisters that are not able to fly to A’s state for support nearly as much as me because of financial reasons. So the bulk of the caregiving is on her husband and second is me whenever I can fly out. A and I had terrible upbringings so we both have poor coping skills and poor mental health as a baseline.

I have flown out 3 times in two months to support her through chemo treatments. Now I’m going there to be in the hospital during her debulking. Every conversation is a mental spiral. She sobs constantly, and her mental health has progressively gotten worse with every doctor’s visit (and there has been a lot). When she was diagnosed, she talked about giving up right away and not even trying with treatment. She talks constantly about dying, the piling bills, everything that can go wrong during surgery, literally every worst case scenario she ruminates on. I feel useless during these breakdowns because there are no words I can say to make things feel better. I just sit there quietly and listen and it’s the worst feeling in the world for me because platitudes don’t work for her. It’s heavy and dark and quite frankly, a lot for me to handle.

I am diagnosed with MDD and CPTSD and A’s cancer has triggered my mental illness, so now my mental health is going in the shitter, and I’ve been catching myself in survival mode and disassociating because I don’t know what else to do. I’m catching myself withdrawing from her because of it and I’m desperate for a way to continue supporting her through her cancer nightmare without losing my own mind. She sits at home all day ruminating and it’s just a waiting game between appointments.

Please be kind, what can I do? What can she do? Advice or what has helped you would be incredibly helpful 🙏🏼