Spiraling Death Thoughts Advice?
Wasn't sure what to title but I'm definitely looking for any advice cause I know you all can understand what I'm going through. So I'm 24F my fiance 25F has epilepsy she got it from a brain injury and she has full convulsions and loss of oxygen seizures. I've seen her heart stop in front of me now 3 times and seen her body fully just drop out. Not fun. Already have diagnosed PTSD from all of it I'm her full time caregiver and it's been almost 2 years now of this. We're finally getting everything on tract and hopefully will be able to get her life back to normal soon.
My quest for advice lies in the fact that I can't do anything, plan anything, think happy about anything without acting as is she's already died. I look at her things like she's not around any more I picture vivid images of me sobbing alone to our favorite songs or watching our favorite shows and crying into an ice cream container. I don't wanna live like she's already passed or like it's gonna happen at every minute. Even appreciating the moments we're having together almost feels burdensome like there's a count down above her head that I'm just starring at making sure I BETTER appreciate her. Sometimes I can't even let myself get upset with her because someone is in my head like 'you're gonna hate yourself for spending your last moments with her angry'. Is there anyway to get out of this mindset? There's gotta be something else