i had a bad meltdown today that set me back n now i seriously feel like im ready to kill mhself. i just can’t live anymore with this fucking phobia. it controls my life. anytime i feel the slightest bit nauseous, my body shuts down. i’m housebound n missed so many important things. ill never get better. i’m just so tired n i think im ready to go. can i pls talk to someone?
to start this off, i have DEBILITATING emetophobia and have had it since 8 years old, im 16 years old now. i’ve been home ridden for 2 years because of it worsening after i actually threw up for the first time in 4 years.
ever since i threw up in 2024, it’s gotten so bad. i’ve associated throwing up with everything i do and it’s fucking ruining my life. i have chronic anxiety and depression, along with diagnosed OCD and a number of stomach issues. so constant anxiety and stomach problems makes me nauseated every single fucking day.
i can’t go to public school anymore and i haven’t for 3 years now because im scared of throwing up. i can’t hang out with my friends because im scared of throwing up. i can’t go out to stores or parties or anywhere because im scared of going into the car/public and throwing up. i can’t hang out with my family, even in my own house, because im scared of throwing up.
and since i’ve accommodated to the life style and coping mechanism of hiding in my room and locking my door when i have severe anxiety nausea, it’s the place i constantly need to be or i will spiral and panic out of fear of throwing up due to anxiety. im so scared my life will be stuck like this forever. i started therapy about 2 weeks ago but it’s done nothing for me. and im so scared to do ERP even though i know i need to do it to make progress. i’m reaching my limit and i just wanna leave this earth. please someone tell me they have gone through the same as me and got better. i don’t know what to do anymore.
for starters i am 16F with diagnosed severe OCD.
so today i had a dentist appointment for fillings. i had to be put under anesthesia, and anesthesia makes me freak out because its out of my control. but since they put the breathing mask on me, i started to flip the fuck out and kick and thrash. it was so traumatic to me because the doctor kept forcing it on my face until i fell asleep even though i kept telling them i was scared. i thought i was going to die or suffocate or get r*ped. mainly suffocate; it made me feel so so scared and claustrophobic. and now i can’t sleep. every time i think about that happening earlier today, i can still smell the anesthesia from the mask, i can physically feel the mask on my face, and it’s sending my brain haywire. im trying to go to sleep because i’m exhausted and in pain but i literally can’t, im scared to have nightmares about what happened today. what if i never stop thinking about it??? what if i end up committing suicide due to the ‘trauma’ getting so bad? i keep crying at the thought of it. please help., i can’t sleep i keep thinking about it. i don’t want to call it traumatic or PTSD related but it genuinely feels like that.