u/iluvv2fart

Okay so for some background info, me (16f at the time) and my partner (15m at the time) had dealt with issues throughout our relationship revolving around him watching pornography. I told him the time before last, if I found out again, it would be over because it really hurt my self-esteem and made me feel like I wasn't enough and like I was already doing things I wasn't fully comfortable with just so he wouldn't be watching pornography. A few months later i found out he's doing it again and so I did, as I said, I broke up with him, I ended a year and a 1/2 long relationship, which for teenagers feels like forever. And after about a month or 2 i got into a new relationship, and even in that new relationship, I still missed my ex, even though I shouldn't have, I would often do things to the guy I got with soon after like sending him. "I missed my ex videos" on TikTok or constantly talk about my ex with which honestly does make me the asshole but that's not what i'm talking about right now. anyways, so I break up with him after like a month. Then about 8 months after the original breakup with the first ex. i start feeling like I Miss him to the point where like I physically can't stand it. And so I contact him and we start talking again for a little bit.(we we're also super super banned from each other so this was extremely risky for me , especially because my parents are extremely strict) Anyways he is really upset with me for getting with a guy so soon and just was really angry with me. And said it made him feel like our relationship didn't matter when truly I was just trying to cope. It kind of felt like it was his way of distracting me from what he was doing, but also I understand. it's now been over a year and a 1/2 since we first broke up, and I'm still missing him to this day and I decided to reach out again, knowing that this time, he would be more mad if he found out I'd gotten into another relationship, which I was and still am in in that relationship while talking to my ex. i know I'm the asshole for that, but it's hard for me and I don't know what to do.I feel like my current boyfriend is almost like a filler until I turn 18 and can finally date my ex.But also , i'm scared that either one of them will find out that i'm talking to them. i feel so scared and confused. I genuiney love my ex more than anything to an unhealthy extent, ive gone through a lot of trauma and built a trauma bond/ Stockholm syndrome rls with him because we were so toxic and also so young. I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship with my current boyfriend but also I don't want to be alone cause he's my only friend. what do I do? Am I the asshole?

Edit: I haven't technically cheated, I haven't met up with my ex or anything, I just text him as if we are dating "I miss you" "I love you" etc