u/imfunnyeveryonelaugh

this is going to sound so stupid so just bear with me.

i think everything i do is embarrassing, which isn’t very uncommon. but it has gotten to such an extreme point that now i am physically blocked from writing anything serious or doing anything serious out of fear of being wrong and/or cringe. i used to be able to write, i loved english class and writing essays. slowly, i became unable to bear looking at anything i create and i’ve lost most of my writing skills.

i really should’ve failed sophomore year english—my teacher was way too kind to me. when we would read books, i’d answer all the questions and write the paragraph about whatever prompt they gave me after reading a chapter or two. when my teacher walked by, i’d erase the entire thing in front of him. why? at the time i honestly had no clue.

i took photography in freshman year and really loved it, so i took AP photography in sophomore year. i couldn’t do much there. even though my teacher always praised me and i won a photography competition at the beginning of the year, i began to hate every photo i took. i went from an A+ student in that class to an F at some point because i would’ve rather had a finger cut off than have to look at one of my photos ever again.

the only thing i enjoyed was world history. the assignments we did there were usually questions from our textbook or questions while we were watching a movie. i believe this is because those questions often didn’t require my own opinion. there was a clear right and wrong answer so i didn’t really have to wonder how my writing compared to others or how cringe it looked since you were either right or wrong and thats it.

after that year i transferred to a continuation school because i was so behind on credits. at first it seemed really great, but then i realized all of this had only gotten worse. not a singular english assignment was ever turned in from me besides the first ones in august. all the things we have to write about at this school are always something about yourself or your goals or about your opinion on something we read. instead of writing it and then erasing it, i couldn’t bear to write it at all. the sight of my own handwriting makes me sick to my stomach. writing two words of my opinion or anything about myself in that setting makes me want to rip my hair out.

everything i used to love i can’t do anymore. photography used to be the only thing that made me happy, can’t do that. history used to be my favorite subject, can’t do that. i used to play piano for a few years, can’t do that anymore either since hearing myself fail as i learn a new song is too embarrassing.

i got addicted to daydreaming in september as a way to ignore the fact that i won’t be going anywhere any time soon. instead of doing english assignments i built an entire packet based off of the story i created in my head, but, again, i’d rather have a finger cut off than show anyone.

the worst part is that this grew to affect every single part of my life. i got friends for the first time in 1.5 years that same september and refused to hang out with them every time they begged me to out of fear of embarrassing myself by doing or saying something wrong. i left them by march since there was no use having friends since every time i talked to them and said something wrong i’d cry over it for the rest of the month. i regret allowing myself to have friends again every single day since then.

i’m going to be a senior in a few weeks. i’m pretty sure i won’t be able to get a single credit since my fear has not stopped growing. i’ll never be able to get a job because even speaking is too scary. i’ll never be able to get a drivers license because doing something wrong in front of another person is too scary. so scary it sends electric shocks up my palms and fingers that hurt really bad and make me cry. i can’t even leave the house most of the time. there is genuinely no hope for me