u/inkblotsomethings

Guess who's back a third time? This thinggg... Yep.

So I (kinda) told my partner. I at least said hey, I think I'm on the aro spectrum, I think my definition of "love" is intrinsically a little different than yours, but I do still love you. It was kinda hard to get any deeper than that considering it was a very vulnerable conversation for the both of us. But I told them I don't want anything to change for now since I'm still figuring things out, and they agreed that was okay.

It's been over 24 hours since then, we've hung out and it was largely fine—but it's now really getting to me just how often comments about our relationship are in our friend group. Not even bad comments, just bringing it up at all. It felt like a stab every time it was mentioned, since my partner is the only one I've said anything about it to and again we agreed nothing is changing for now.

It's scaring me. I still.. think I want to be with them, at the very least I don't want to lose the closeness we have, but I feel like I've opened a rabbit hole I wasn't ready to go down.

Even between the literal hours of looking into this and myself, I still have NO idea what I want out of our relationship—I really don't think it's helping that we are and have been in one for years, and I don't want to break up with them, but I feel like it's impossible to wrap my head around.

I don't think I love them romantically. Okay, fair assessment, but what if I'm completely wrong on that and I'm just miseducated on the differences? What if I'm just an allo who's been severely misguided? - I used to feel different about them. That's.. kind of true, but I also have a terrible memory and can't really dissect my mind from that long ago.

Expanding on that last point, I've been looking into the lithromantic(+ lithosexual) label. Again, my memory does not serve me well, but I feel like it was different before we got together. The flirting came so easily to me, I was actively looking forward to their company in a different way from how I am now, meanwhile nowadays I barely initiate a lot of "romantic things" and feel awkward when they're directed toward me. But at the same time, I don't know exactly how long the shift in my mind took. I feel like it was longer than the instant-a few weeks I often see. Either way, there's still something else there. I don't know if I can even call myself litho because everything is just so confusing.

A lot of things also sound better in my head/when I'm not mentally involved, so I'm bouncing between that and aego (I'm really thinking it's both but I'm not sure how that even works, lmao..)

I still want a relationship with them, but?? What does the relationship I want even entail? I like being physically close, I like knowing them on a really deep level, I even like the petnames we call eachother and saying "I love you" as long as the difference is acknowledged—I'm fine with getting legally married, especially considering it might make us moving in together easier, but the wedding sounds kinda suffocating. It's like I don't really want to be exclusive but I kinda do. Again maybe it's just the "romantic" bit, but it's not like I completely despise that they're attracted to me that way.. I think.. blegh. I don't know what exactly triggers the discomfort, as much as I'm trying to figure it out. It's just so hard to know where I want us to end up without like, completely ceasing anything "romantic" for a bit to find out, but I really don't want to do that.

I still feel like an asshole. I feel like I told them too early, and things are widely normal but still just feel... Weird, and I can tell in some aspects they aren't taking it too well especially since it's still uncertain, but it was just going to keep eating at me if I didn't say anything.

So I guess, TL;DR: if you're in any kind of relationship or have given thought to the subject, how did you land on what feels right for you? It's hard for me to think about what I want without my consideration for my partners (and even others) feelings clouding my judgement, and I don't even know where to start, really.

Hopefully any of what I wrote makes the slightest bit of sense. I'm very bad at verbally unravelling my brain.

Another post from me, wow. This is a lot longer, but hopefully a bit better put together than my last.

To preface; I always sort of assumed I was alloromantic but a few days ago it came into question. I've been silently identifying as aegosexual for a bit now, and at the moment I feel like aegoromantic also fits me best. I process better thinking "out loud" but I have nobody I can talk to about this, so if you have any input or similar experiences, please feel free to share.

I enjoy some "romantic" gestures. I really like being close to people and casual physical intimacy, I like telling my friends I love them and doing little things that make them happy. So I've been struggling to understand why I can feel so icked out whenever my partner does these things for me, because I really do love them and have no issues with them otherwise.

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's honestly just the intention and the label. If I mentally remove the label of "romance" or remove myself from the equation entirely, like it's just some doll they have these feelings and wants for, it becomes okay. I simply do not want to be the target of romantic affection, probably because I do not feel I can reciprocate it "properly".

The idea of my partner being mine or me being theirs is unsettling. We've talked about getting married in the future, but I've realized I was mostly in for the general fantasy of weddings. The part of me being involved in the marriage and our close ones witnessing that feels viscerally uncomfortable.

My/our best friend (who is also aroace, though not that it really matters here) doesn't really appreciate affection the same way I do, but if they let me, I feel I would do most of if not all the same little things I do with my partner. The three of us have already talked about idealistically moving in together someday, and that has always felt perfect to me. (I even had similar fantasies when I was younger of just living in a big house with my friends rather than settling in with a significant other.) I just love them both, whatever that means, because I know for a fact I don't have romantic feelings for my friend but it doesn't feel any different than with my partner.

It's just so weird to think my partner really does feel differently to me, but it also makes sense. I'm a very "low maintenance friend", as in I could go without talking to someone for months, but if they pop back in it feels like no time has passed. I don't really think about my friends unless something reminds me of them, and I feel no different about my partner; I honestly feel kind of confused when they say they missed me to the extent they do. That and I'm not really one to initiate anything. They often come to me for kisses and I love you's and compliments, but I don't really feel the need for it... I really don't see myself wanting anything more than what we have right now, let alone with anyone else. I just feel happy having the deep connection we do.

I know I'll have to bring it up with them at some point, given they are aware of how uncomfortable I sometimes get but not why. I don't even know how I would, it's a terrifying thought. I feel like what I experience with them both is alterous at most, but I still feel nauseous trying to come to terms with this after so long.

It's completely possible I'll end up deleting this, I'm having a rough night.

Gender and sexuality first came into question for me like 7 years ago now. I've gone through many a label, transitioned and have been pretty happy with the words I use to define myself. But it's only just now crept up on me that through the various gender-attraction and acespec labels I've rifled through, I never actually touched the aromantic spectrum. I've called myself demi in the past but I never really thought about it. I've always sort of just assumed that I was allo otherwise.

Things have been really rocky for me lately. I'm with my partner (online) of a few years that I adore, and we're very openly affectionate, but over at least the past year, I've on-and-off become increasingly uncomfortable with their gestures. It's not even that my feelings for them have changed, it's just set in that it feels so... Wrong. I feel like I can't reciprocate the way they want me to.

And tonight things are hitting me like a truck. I had many a crush when I was a kid, but they felt so forced. Like I like the fantasy of relationships but the thought of my partner just being my partner feels so outlandish--and I'm realizing, if it was socially acceptable, I'd probably show the same affection to all of my closest friends and feel fine with it. Even asiding the fact that I've increasingly delved myself into fictional relationships and characters (even entertaining selfshipping a few times, but it only feels better because it's just like playing with toys).

It's like I don't know where the line is drawn. I never have. I still now get so many little "crushes" but it feels like they're teetering some weird line (and they fade very quickly) and I'm realizing a singular long-term committed relationship might just.. Not be for me, but I don't resonate with being polyamorous either. Maybe I just love my friends as friends. Maybe I just have commitment issues, maybe I'm still too undiagnosed/treated (going through the neurodivergency ringer currently) to tell. I don't know what it is.

I managed to briefly bring up my feelings to my partner earlier today, but only a couple of hours ago did this specific realization really start hitting me. I'm just really scared of hurting them, because I know just how much they love me. It's not like I want to necessarily break up with them either, but I'm scared.

I'm not really sure where to go with this. I just needed to put this down somewhere because I feel crazy. I'm still mentally fighting even entertaining the idea.