I miss isolation
When I was 15 I lost someone I loved and, stopped going to school became a shut in, then when I turned 18 I got an opportunity to do what I loved so I went back to school got my HS degree and now im studying.
Because of school system stupid shit I got to essentialy skip a year for no real reason when I got back to HS. And now I'm actually skipping a year again but its because the rest of my class was behind me.
It feels like I should be happy I pretty much made for lost time. For a while I was even in a relationship but this is all so insipid to me. Even though I think I like what I do, I don't like where I'm at it doesn't make sense to me. I should be happy, I should be proud.
But I don't know. Maybe I haven't properly moved on. I miss the kind of controlled psychosis I had when I was a shut in, it was comfy I could imagine being loved, being hugged and cared for and I truly could feel it. But now it doesn't work. I have killed that part of me and I don't know if I even can go back.
I love to dream of the notion of someone sweeping me off my feet someone I could really admire, but its not working, maybe its media who has eroded my social expectations but I find everyone so insipid, so boring. I just don't understand it. I get that autism or whatver kind of mental thing I got has to do with it but no one that I find actually shares that shit with me. I feel alone and yet so fucking privileged I hate it, I want to throw it all away I want to go back. I miss the dream ghost tulpa of my long dead partner that was the realest thing that is ever going to happen to me.
Im not sure what I want to say here. I just think I wished I didn't get "better".