Got to get this off my chest
I've been in love with a childhood friend of mine for 13 years of my life I've loved her before I ever knew what love was really, being the fool that I was, I was afraid of rejection. I never told her how I felt for a very long time we were best of friends always hanging out she was always there for me and I was always there for her at least I tried to be even when she had bad boyfriends I have fought a few of them and won. we used to go ice skating every single Friday together. After a while I stop talking to her for about 6 years to get my shit together because I couldn't handle watching her date other guys and I don't know trying to tell her felt like trying to grab at the Moon in the reflection on a lake. I tried moving on in those six years I had relationships where they didn't work out for a variety of reasons alcoholism (not on my side I have a drink since high school), cheating (I have never cheated on anyone, I know from experience that it hurts) etc. about 2 months ago I was feeling good I don't know 💀🤣 I decided to hit her up to see how she was doing and we started talking and things were going great she told me that she's actually been in a shitty relationship for the last 2 years that she's about to break up with we were being flirty we went to the beach together I decided to be bolder than I had ever been and I held her while we were in the water together we held hands while we were on the beach towels, I kissed her hand while we were there holding hands. I told her that I've been waiting for this for a very long time. Next date, I worked up the courage to finally tell her and I wrote her a letter and everything explaining how I felt all these years but before I could even drive to the date she texted me that she's sorry for leading me on and that she had just broken up with this guy and that she isn't really looking to be in a relationship because she's been in and out of relationships non-stop ever since we last saw each other, that stung but I told her that I still felt like we could be something and I gave her the letter and she told me after she read it over text that if something happens between us something happens. We kept being flirty for the next few days it was great it didn't feel off at all. Randomly one day she text me that she wants to come over at like 12:00 at night and obviously I'm excited and I say yes, 5 minutes later she tells me that her sister's cat broke its leg and that they need to go to the vet so she can't come. Me obviously disappointed say that it's it's fine the cat is way more important than us hanging out I get that, next morning I'm blocked on everything including mutual friends 😭. At least I told her I put all my cards on the table. Everyone around me says that I have to move on and I know I do I get it guys but it's really not that easy. I've gone through all the stages of grief several times already, I catch myself having PTSD like flashbacks wondering what I did wrong or just having rationalizations of what could have happened on her end but none of it matters because at the end of the day she just doesn't want me and that's is what it is I have to accept it. I had built up this whole Disney movie like fantasy where we would grow up together and fall in love eventually and live together. Silly me, I'm honestly just morning that lost reality. I don't have any other childhood friends that I've crushed on like that so that dream will never come to pass. I just needed to get this off my chest although I've spoken to everyone I know I've written a lot of poetry about it I've spoken to every AI bot out there, it still feels like it has to come off my chest.