u/itslikeihavESPN

WAKEUP BAYNIACS IT’S GAMEDAY!!! GRAB YOUR DUTCH CRUNCH SANDWICH AND GET READY TO WATCH THE BAY START A PRUNING SESSION. THE POOR-LAND THORNS AND ROBERT VILA-BLAND WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.  

LAST WEEK, THEY RAN INTO OUR EXTREMELY INNOCENT KEEPER AND GOT REWARDED FOR IT. THIS WEEK, WATCH US RUN THE SCORELINE UP. 

WE’RE GOING TO WIN! THEY CAN KEEP PORTLAND AS WEIRD AS THEY WANT, BUT SILKOWITZ IS GOING TO KEEP THEM SCORELESS. NO FLEM-BOG MIDFIELD IS SURVIVING THE CLAIRE CATHERINE HUTTON EXPERIENCE.

BECAUSE WHAT DOES PORTLAND HAVE? 3 TITLES AND YOU STILL HAVE A HISTORY OF THE MOST DISAPPOINTING KITS OUT THERE? ELECTRIC BLOOM KIT? MORE LIKE ELECTRIC GLOOM.  EVEN ED HARDY IS EMBARRASSED. A FIELD MADE OF PLASTIC & NOT A BLADE OF REAL GRASS IN SIGHT?  SURE, YOU’VE GOT THE “WORLD’S SMALLEST PARK”, BUT ITS STILL BIGGER THAN THE SPACE WE’LL GIVE THEIR MIDFIELD. YOU HAVE NO TRUE WINGERS 🪽AND YOUR LEAGUE POSITION IS ABOUT TO PLUMMET. 

SO GET READY FOR THE HUMBLING OF PORT-LAME. THE TIME OF THE ROSE HAS ENDED, THE ERA OF THE POPPY HAS BEGUN.

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!! AN NWSL AFTER DARK SHOWDOWN BETWEEN OUR FAVORITE TEAM AND THE TEAM FORMALLY KNOWN AS BOS NATION (lol). TWO CLEAN SHEETS IN A ROW IS ABOUT TO BE EXTENDED TO THREE AND I SMELL A JOELLE ANDERSON HEADER GOAL IN THE MAKING. A CLAIRE HUTTON SPIN-CYCLE. 

OUR OPPONENTS CALL THEMSELVES “LEGACY” BUT WHAT LEGACY??? YOU’VE BEEN A TEAM FOR FIVE MINUTES. YOUR LEGACY IS A BAD TEAM ANNOUNCEMENT. BOSTON LEGACY OUT HERE BUILDING HISTORY ONE BOTTOM-TABLE RESULT AT A TIME. CAMBRIDGE? MORE LIKE CAN’T-BRIDGE THE GAP IN THE STANDINGS. 

OUR ATTACK WILL MAKE YOU BUNKER IN YOUR HILL. HOPE YOU PACKED ENOUGH TEA TO SOOTHE THE BURN OF THE LOSS. PURITANS HATED FUN AND SO DOES YOUR OFFENSE. ITS ITS > BAKED BEANS. YOU’RE SO JEALOUS OF US, YOU NAMED ONE OF YOUR “BEST” NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER US.

OUR POPPY PLAYERS ARE ABOUT TO TURN YOUR “LEGACY” INTO A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. SO GRAB YOUR FRIENDS, LAYER UP, GET DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK, AND GET LOUD. FRIDAY EVENING TRAFFIC CAN’T STOP US. LET’S GO GET THREEEE POINTS!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES, MAKE YOUR MOM (CRISTINA GIRELLI) SOME PANCAKES, DO YOUR STRETCHES, AND GET EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR THE DEMOLITION OF UTAHHHHHHHH. EVERYONE SAID WE COULDN’T DO IT LAST WEEK, BUT RUDIE,  SILKY & THE GANG SHOWED UP AND SAID BAY-BYE TO THEIR NARRATIVE. ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE TAYLOR HUFF TOE-POKE TO BREAK THE WAVE. I’M STILL SMELLING THE SWEET FUMES OF NUTMEG. 

NOW, UTAH MAY LIVE IN HIGH ELEVATION, BUT THEIR TEAM IS ABOUT TO BE DEPRESSED. THEIR DEFENSE IS ABOUT TO CRUMBL. THEIR OFFENSE WILL BE INACTIVE (I mean less active). OUR WIN WILL BE SWEETER THAN EVERY SODALICIOUS COMBINED. 

TODAY IS THE DAY WE THROW OFF OUR UTAH CURSE AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT! SEE YOU AT PAYPAL PARK!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!!!!! 4 PM MARKS THE HOUR OUR DEFENSE BECOMES A FUNCTIONING UNIT AND WE TAKE DOWN THE SAN DIEGO WAVE AND YAWNUS EIDELOL. OUR COPPER QUEEN IS BACK AND READY TO ROCKET US UP THE TABLE. OUR POTENTIAL, LIKE CHONKERS 🦭, IS MASSIVE.

YOU HAVE SUN? HAVE YOU EVER SAT ON THE SOUTHEAST SIDE OF PAYPAL PARK? YOU HAVE BEACHES? OH, ARE YOU SOMEHOW ON A DIFFERENT PACIFIC OCEAN THAN WE ARE?

YOU HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE TO WIN THE CHAMP AS THE NUMBER OF DRAINS IN YOUR STADIUM. YOU’VE COMIC-CONNED YOUR WAY TO 15 POINTS AND ITS TIME TO SAN DIEGO HOME CRYING.

THE WAVE IS JUST A MOMENT, BUT THE BAY IS FOREVER.