u/itslikeihavESPN

IT’S GAME DAY!! LAST WEEK WE GOT A POINT, BUT THE BRIGHTEST POINT IS THAT WE FINALLY SAW HEATHER GILCHRIST MAKE HER DEBUT AND SAW SOME TRULY GREAT CHANGES FROM OUR ATTACK.

IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER FOLKS. IT’S BEEN A LONG AND DIFFICULT ROAD GETTING HERE, AND NOW WE’RE UP AGAINST THE 3RD RANKED TEAM WHO WE’VE NEVER BEATEN, BUT GUESS WHAT? TODAY IS THE DAY. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN WHEN IT'S NWSL AFTER DARK. THE YAUGHTAH ROIYHYLLS DON’T KNOW THE COUP THAT’S COMING. THEY’LL RUN FROM OUR ATTACK LIKE UTAHNS RUN TO AN MLM. OUR PLAYERS ARE FULL OF POPPY POWER, THEY’RE GETTING STRONGER AND STRONGER AND NOW CHAMPIONS LEAGUE WINNER JENNA NIGHSWONGER IS OFFICIALLY “PAROLED FROM THE CROME OF BEING GREAT.” 

7 PM KICKOFF. WE WERE HERE WHEN WE STRUGGLED. WE ARE HERE WHEN THEY’RE FIGURING IT OUT. AND WE’LL BE HERE WHEN THIS TEAM STARTS TO DOMINATE. NO KINGS, NO ROYALS.

AND IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN SANDY, UTAH ON A NIGHT SUCH AS THIS, KEEP THAT ENERGY 4449 FT HIGH AND HELP OUR PLAYERS WITH THE POWER OF THE BAY. ROYALS COME AND GO BUT THE BAY IS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF DYNASTY. GOOOOOOOOOOOO BAY!

WAKE UP BAY FANS IT’S THE KELLI HUBLY BIRTHDAY GAMEDAY!!!! LAST WEEK WE SAW A BEBAR GOLAZO (MY GOTW) AND A BARRY GOOD GOAL. WE’VE LOST 3 IN A ROW BY A SINGLE GOAL AND I’M READY TO TAKE OUT ALL OUR FRUSTRATION ON THE BLEH STARS. AND WE’VE GOT A NEW BLONDE! 😅 JENNA NIGHSWONGER, WELCOME TO THE BAY! THE PUZZLE IS COMING TOGETHER! 

LOCK IN EVERYONE, WE’RE WINNING THIS ONE. THERE IS NO WAY WE’RE LOSING IN KELLI’S HOMETOWN (BASICALLY) ON HER BIRTHDAY. THIS IS A TEAM THAT COULD ONLY SCORE ON US AFTER WE WERE DOWN TO 9 PLAYERS. THE LAKE EFFECT IS THEIR ASSIST LEADER. HONESTLY, THERE’S NO POINT IN CHI-TALKING THEIR FANS— NONE OF THEM WILL EVER SEE THIS. THEIR /R IS A FORUM FOR ASKING ABOUT THE PARKING SITUATION. OUR WIN WILL BE SO THOROUGH THAT AFTER THE WHISTLE BLOWS,  THEY'LL DRIVE THE 14 MILES TO THE ACTUAL CITY AND ASK THEIR SHINY BEAN REFLECTION WHY THEY CHOSE TO BE A RED STARS FAN. 

SO GET READY FOR THE DEMOLITION OF CRY-TOWN. 4PM ON NWSL+. LET’S MAKE THEM FEEL HOME ALONE WITH OUR FULL HOUSE. LET’S GET 3 GOALS AND 3 POINTS AND I GIVE BEBAR PERMISSION TO HAVE ONE WILD CROSS THAT LANDS IN THAT WEIRD LITTLE POND TO THE EAST. 

WAKE THE HECKIDY HECK UP ​BAYNIACS AND GET READY TO TAKE ON THE SEATTLE DRAIN!!!!!! ITS OUR THIRD GAME IN 8 DAYS AND ITS TIME TO DIG DEEP AND GET THIS WIN! ON WEDNESDAY WE WERE ONE AWFUL CALL AWAY FROM GRABBING A POINT AGAINST THE BATS. JUST ADD IT TO THE APPENDIX OF APOLOGY LETTERS FROM PRO. BUT WE’RE STILL PROUD OF OUR POPPIES — JORDAN SILKOWITZ STOOD ON HER HEAD AND MADE THE LEAGUE TAKE NOTICE. ABBY MADE HER RETURN. TODAY LET’S TAKE DOWN THE REIGN IN THE SUN, GET THREE POINTS, AND FINISH OUR LONG WEEK WITH PRIDE. 

WE CAN BEAT SEATTLE. THEY'VE NEVER BEAT US. LIKE THE GUM WALL, THEY'RE STUCK IN THEIR ​SUFFERBALL ERA. THEY MAY HAVE 2(to 3) MADDIES BUT OUR MADDIE’S A BADDIE THAT SHUT DOWN SAM KERR. ALEX IS ABOUT TO OPEN UP YOUR DEFENSE LIKE PFIEFF'S PLACE MARKET. YOUR SAM IS ABOUT TO SIDEKICK OUR iKARLIE. LET'S SEND SEATTLE BACK TO THE PACIFIC NORTHLESS KNOWING FULL WELL THAT BAYS ANATOMY > GREYS. 

SO GET DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR THIS WEST COAST SHOWDOWN AT 5:45 AND HELP OUR TEAM WITH THE ENERGY OF THE BAY. AGAIN, THEY'VE NEVER BEAT US, AND THEIR REGIN WILL NEVER BEGIN. GOOOOOOOBAY!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES IT’S OUR MIDWEEK HOME GAME! WE MEET NEW JERSEY NEW YORK ON OUR TURF (GRASS), AND THIS TIME THEY HAVE TO PLAY US IN SAN JOSE WITHOUT A CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY ON THE LINE TO SAVE THEM. WE GOT ROBBED IN THE FINAL MINUTES OF FRIDAY’S MATCH, AND WE’RE READY TO TAKE IT OUT ON GOTH-BLAND FC. OUR GIRL RUDIE HAD A 6-0 WIN YESTERDAY, AND I THINK WE SHOULD REASONABLY EXPECT TO BEAT THEM BY AT LEAST AS MANY.  

WELCOME TO PAYPAL PARK. WHAT YOU’RE FEELING IS THE SUN THROUGH ZERO MUGGY HAZE. YOU'VE WON A TROPHY HERE (BECAUSE NY/NJ WAS FREEZING) AND WE STILL HAVE HIGHER AVERAGE ATTENDANCE. SPEAKING OF THAT TROPHY, IT DOESN’T HAVE A NAME, BUT AFTER YOUR TWO WINS, IT SHOULD BE CALLED THE “CREATIVE ACCOUNTING CUP”. YOU’RE GOING TO BE MESMERIZED BY THE MOUNTAINS AND GIVE YERRRRRRSELF ZERO POINTS.   

THIS IS A BIG ONE. WE’VE NEVER BEAT GOTHAM, AND WE’RE GOING TO TRY IT ONCE MORE ON HIP-HOP NIGHT. WE NEED EVERYONE THERE TO MAKE SOME NOISE FOR OUR TEAM AND MAKE GOTHAM FEEL THE POWER OF THE BAY! GET DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR A 7PM KICKOFF AND LET’S SHOW THIS NEW JERSEY TEAM WHAT AN UNDERDOG CAN DO IN THIS LEAGUE. GOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAY!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES IT’S MATCHDAY!!!! GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR A 1 PM KICKOFF AGAINST NORTH CARO-WHINE-A. THINGS FINALLY CLICKED LAST WEEK, AND WE SHOWED LOUISVILLE WHAT A REAL TEAM LOOKS LIKE. TODAY WE ARE GENEROUSLY HOSTING OUR OPPONENTS IN OUR GORGEOUS STADIUM WITH PERFECT WEATHER, ALLOWING THEM TO ESCAPE THE MID-90S HUMID THUNDERSTORM NIGHTMARE. 

YOU’RE FORCED TO LIVE IN CARY— THEY REALLY TOOK THIS TEAM FROM NY, LOOKED AT THE NC CITIES WITH PERSONALITY, AND SAID “NAH."  YOUR “LION” LOGO LOOKS LIKE IT’S MEWING. YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE ATTACK IS MUCH LIKE YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE COLOR RED ON YOUR JERSEYS. YOU LET MANAKA GO?? IT’S LIKE YOU’RE STRIPPING AWAY YOUR CHANCES AT THE PLAYOFFS AS FAST AS YOUR CONGRESS STRIPPING AWAY VOTING RIGHTS. OUR MIDFIELD IS ABOUT TO RUN THROUGH YOUR DEFENSE FASTER THAN A TEAM DINNER FROM TACO BELL.

WE SCORED 3 GOALS IN CARY, NOW IT’S TIME TO SCORE THAT MANY AT HOME. EVERY GAME, WE PUT A LITTLE MORE TOGETHER. HOPING LEMA GETS A SCREMA’ FOR THREE MATCHES IN A ROW.  SO GET YOUR NAVY AND POPPY READY, BRING YOUR YELLOW/RED CARDS, AND GET READY TO SHOW THESE COWARDLY LIONS WHAT COURAGE REALLY LOOKS LIKE. 

WAKE UP BAYNIACS IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS-- NWSL AT DUSK IN THE "GREAT" STATE OF KEN-YUCK-Y. LAST GAME WE HAD AN AMAZING START, AND IT'S TIME WE GOT OURSELVES A WIN. PFIEFFER IS BACK, FULLER IS COOKING, AND CLAIRE IS CLEANING UP.

THEY CALL THEMSELVES RACING BUT THEY SPEND ALL GAME CHASING. WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW TO REALLY TAKE THE REIGNS. THEIR SPONSOR IS GE APPLIANCES, WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THEIR TEAM IS TOTALLY WASHED. ARE THERE ANY EXTRA LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES IN KY? THEY MIGHT NEED TO BORROW ONE AFTER THE FINAL WHISTLES BLOWS. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SPELL LOUISVILLE WITHOUT 'LOSE'.

SO FINISH YOUR WORK, PUT ON YOUR SHIRTS, AND TUNE INTO NWSL+ AT 5 PM. IT'S GOING TO GO WELL, I PROMISE (BEG).

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS BEEN 37 DAYS AND WE HAVE A GAME AT 9 AM! GRAB YOUR BREAKFAST, DON YOUR MERCH, AND GET READY TO START FRESHER THAN OUR SOURDOUGH. OUR TEAM IS IN PAWTUCKET AND READY TO START THIS SECOND PART OF THE SEASON STRONGER THAN . AND WE’VE GOT A NEW PLAYER IN POPPY TODAY! WELCOME TO THE TEAM KENNEDY FULLER — WHO NEEDS FIREWORKS WHEN WE’VE GOT YOU TO MAKE OUR OFFENSE EXPLODE. 

PAWTUCKET: HOME TO THE CAPE VERDEAN MUSEUM & TODAY'S BAY FC MASTERCLASSES. WILL BOSTONIANS MAKE THE TREK TO WATCH THEIR TEAM FLOUNDER? YOU RAN OUT OF BEER WHEN THE SCOTS CAME TO TOWN, AND NOW YOU’LL RUN OUT OF WAYS TO EXPLAIN LOSING TO US. 

LAST GAME, WE GOT OUR WIN SNATCHED AWAY BY A BOGUS CALL. WELL, BALL DON'T LIE. SOMETIMES IT JUST TAKES 50 DAYS. IT’S TIME FOR THE REFFING APOLOGY TOUR TO START. AND THEY KNOW IT TOO— LOOK AT THIS NOTE THEY SENT US!

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WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!!! BRING YOUR PRIDE AND GET YOUR BUTTS TO PAYPAL PARK BECAUSE AT 2 PM WE WILL FINALLY BREAK THE CURSE AND WIN OURSELVES A PRIDE GAME. MID-CAGO DOESNT STAND A CHANCE (“mid” is generous though amiright) 

WERE GOING TO WIN THIS ONE. THE MOMENTUM HAS BEEN GROWING AND HERES WHERE IT BLOOMS. AND BARRY’S BACK BITCHES!!

OUR OPPONENT IS LUCKY. THEY GET TO PLAY IN A REAL PROFESSIONAL STADIUM WITH REAL GRASS. THAT’S REALLY ALL THAT’S GOING FOR THEM.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE 5 FANS ON REDDIT. YOU LIVE IN A FRIGID STATE AND WE STILL GOT A WOMEN’S HOCKEY TEAM BEFORE YOU.

DID IT SUCK TO LOOK AT THE THERMOMETER IN THE WINTER AND SEE VISIONS OF YOUR GOAL DIFFERENTIAL? (-18). 

THE LAKE EFFECT IS YOUR ASSIST LEADER. YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE COLOR RED. YOU'RE AFRIAD OF KETCHUP. YOUR FANS NEED TO BE TOLD THAT A SOCCER BALL REPRESENTS SOCCER. YOUR DESIGNERS NEED TO GO TO KEARNING SCHOOL. 

YOU’RE SO PROUD OF YOUR PIZZA, YET YOUR BENCH IS AS DEEP AS A RED BARON THIN CRUST. 

THIS IS GOING TO BE A FUN ONE, SO GET THERE EARLY, AND GET LOUD. WE’RE ABOUT TO GET THREE PAYPAL PARK PRIDE POINTS. BECAUSE STARS CANT SHINE AT 2 PM, BUT THE BAY WILL. 

WAKEUP BAYNIACS IT’S GAMEDAY!!! GRAB YOUR DUTCH CRUNCH SANDWICH AND GET READY TO WATCH THE BAY START A PRUNING SESSION. THE POOR-LAND THORNS AND ROBERT VILA-BLAND WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.  

LAST WEEK, THEY RAN INTO OUR EXTREMELY INNOCENT KEEPER AND GOT REWARDED FOR IT. THIS WEEK, WATCH US RUN THE SCORELINE UP. 

WE’RE GOING TO WIN! THEY CAN KEEP PORTLAND AS WEIRD AS THEY WANT, BUT SILKOWITZ IS GOING TO KEEP THEM SCORELESS. NO FLEM-BOG MIDFIELD IS SURVIVING THE CLAIRE CATHERINE HUTTON EXPERIENCE.

BECAUSE WHAT DOES PORTLAND HAVE? 3 TITLES AND YOU STILL HAVE A HISTORY OF THE MOST DISAPPOINTING KITS OUT THERE? ELECTRIC BLOOM KIT? MORE LIKE ELECTRIC GLOOM.  EVEN ED HARDY IS EMBARRASSED. A FIELD MADE OF PLASTIC & NOT A BLADE OF REAL GRASS IN SIGHT?  SURE, YOU’VE GOT THE “WORLD’S SMALLEST PARK”, BUT ITS STILL BIGGER THAN THE SPACE WE’LL GIVE THEIR MIDFIELD. YOU HAVE NO TRUE WINGERS 🪽AND YOUR LEAGUE POSITION IS ABOUT TO PLUMMET. 

SO GET READY FOR THE HUMBLING OF PORT-LAME. THE TIME OF THE ROSE HAS ENDED, THE ERA OF THE POPPY HAS BEGUN.

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!! AN NWSL AFTER DARK SHOWDOWN BETWEEN OUR FAVORITE TEAM AND THE TEAM FORMALLY KNOWN AS BOS NATION (lol). TWO CLEAN SHEETS IN A ROW IS ABOUT TO BE EXTENDED TO THREE AND I SMELL A JOELLE ANDERSON HEADER GOAL IN THE MAKING. A CLAIRE HUTTON SPIN-CYCLE. 

OUR OPPONENTS CALL THEMSELVES “LEGACY” BUT WHAT LEGACY??? YOU’VE BEEN A TEAM FOR FIVE MINUTES. YOUR LEGACY IS A BAD TEAM ANNOUNCEMENT. BOSTON LEGACY OUT HERE BUILDING HISTORY ONE BOTTOM-TABLE RESULT AT A TIME. CAMBRIDGE? MORE LIKE CAN’T-BRIDGE THE GAP IN THE STANDINGS. 

OUR ATTACK WILL MAKE YOU BUNKER IN YOUR HILL. HOPE YOU PACKED ENOUGH TEA TO SOOTHE THE BURN OF THE LOSS. PURITANS HATED FUN AND SO DOES YOUR OFFENSE. ITS ITS > BAKED BEANS. YOU’RE SO JEALOUS OF US, YOU NAMED ONE OF YOUR “BEST” NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER US.

OUR POPPY PLAYERS ARE ABOUT TO TURN YOUR “LEGACY” INTO A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. SO GRAB YOUR FRIENDS, LAYER UP, GET DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK, AND GET LOUD. FRIDAY EVENING TRAFFIC CAN’T STOP US. LET’S GO GET THREEEE POINTS!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES, MAKE YOUR MOM (CRISTINA GIRELLI) SOME PANCAKES, DO YOUR STRETCHES, AND GET EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR THE DEMOLITION OF UTAHHHHHHHH. EVERYONE SAID WE COULDN’T DO IT LAST WEEK, BUT RUDIE,  SILKY & THE GANG SHOWED UP AND SAID BAY-BYE TO THEIR NARRATIVE. ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE TAYLOR HUFF TOE-POKE TO BREAK THE WAVE. I’M STILL SMELLING THE SWEET FUMES OF NUTMEG. 

NOW, UTAH MAY LIVE IN HIGH ELEVATION, BUT THEIR TEAM IS ABOUT TO BE DEPRESSED. THEIR DEFENSE IS ABOUT TO CRUMBL. THEIR OFFENSE WILL BE INACTIVE (I mean less active). OUR WIN WILL BE SWEETER THAN EVERY SODALICIOUS COMBINED. 

TODAY IS THE DAY WE THROW OFF OUR UTAH CURSE AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT! SEE YOU AT PAYPAL PARK!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!!!!! 4 PM MARKS THE HOUR OUR DEFENSE BECOMES A FUNCTIONING UNIT AND WE TAKE DOWN THE SAN DIEGO WAVE AND YAWNUS EIDELOL. OUR COPPER QUEEN IS BACK AND READY TO ROCKET US UP THE TABLE. OUR POTENTIAL, LIKE CHONKERS 🦭, IS MASSIVE.

YOU HAVE SUN? HAVE YOU EVER SAT ON THE SOUTHEAST SIDE OF PAYPAL PARK? YOU HAVE BEACHES? OH, ARE YOU SOMEHOW ON A DIFFERENT PACIFIC OCEAN THAN WE ARE?

YOU HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE TO WIN THE CHAMP AS THE NUMBER OF DRAINS IN YOUR STADIUM. YOU’VE COMIC-CONNED YOUR WAY TO 15 POINTS AND ITS TIME TO SAN DIEGO HOME CRYING.

THE WAVE IS JUST A MOMENT, BUT THE BAY IS FOREVER.