u/itslikeihavESPN

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS BEEN 37 DAYS AND WE HAVE A GAME AT 9 AM! GRAB YOUR BREAKFAST, DON YOUR MERCH, AND GET READY TO START FRESHER THAN OUR SOURDOUGH. OUR TEAM IS IN PAWTUCKET AND READY TO START THIS SECOND PART OF THE SEASON STRONGER THAN . AND WE’VE GOT A NEW PLAYER IN POPPY TODAY! WELCOME TO THE TEAM KENNEDY FULLER — WHO NEEDS FIREWORKS WHEN WE’VE GOT YOU TO MAKE OUR OFFENSE EXPLODE. 

PAWTUCKET: HOME TO THE CAPE VERDEAN MUSEUM & TODAY'S BAY FC MASTERCLASSES. WILL BOSTONIANS MAKE THE TREK TO WATCH THEIR TEAM FLOUNDER? YOU RAN OUT OF BEER WHEN THE SCOTS CAME TO TOWN, AND NOW YOU’LL RUN OUT OF WAYS TO EXPLAIN LOSING TO US. 

LAST GAME, WE GOT OUR WIN SNATCHED AWAY BY A BOGUS CALL. WELL, BALL DON'T LIE. SOMETIMES IT JUST TAKES 50 DAYS. IT’S TIME FOR THE REFFING APOLOGY TOUR TO START. AND THEY KNOW IT TOO— LOOK AT THIS NOTE THEY SENT US!

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WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!!! BRING YOUR PRIDE AND GET YOUR BUTTS TO PAYPAL PARK BECAUSE AT 2 PM WE WILL FINALLY BREAK THE CURSE AND WIN OURSELVES A PRIDE GAME. MID-CAGO DOESNT STAND A CHANCE (“mid” is generous though amiright) 

WERE GOING TO WIN THIS ONE. THE MOMENTUM HAS BEEN GROWING AND HERES WHERE IT BLOOMS. AND BARRY’S BACK BITCHES!!

OUR OPPONENT IS LUCKY. THEY GET TO PLAY IN A REAL PROFESSIONAL STADIUM WITH REAL GRASS. THAT’S REALLY ALL THAT’S GOING FOR THEM.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE 5 FANS ON REDDIT. YOU LIVE IN A FRIGID STATE AND WE STILL GOT A WOMEN’S HOCKEY TEAM BEFORE YOU.

DID IT SUCK TO LOOK AT THE THERMOMETER IN THE WINTER AND SEE VISIONS OF YOUR GOAL DIFFERENTIAL? (-18). 

THE LAKE EFFECT IS YOUR ASSIST LEADER. YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE COLOR RED. YOU'RE AFRIAD OF KETCHUP. YOUR FANS NEED TO BE TOLD THAT A SOCCER BALL REPRESENTS SOCCER. YOUR DESIGNERS NEED TO GO TO KEARNING SCHOOL. 

YOU’RE SO PROUD OF YOUR PIZZA, YET YOUR BENCH IS AS DEEP AS A RED BARON THIN CRUST. 

THIS IS GOING TO BE A FUN ONE, SO GET THERE EARLY, AND GET LOUD. WE’RE ABOUT TO GET THREE PAYPAL PARK PRIDE POINTS. BECAUSE STARS CANT SHINE AT 2 PM, BUT THE BAY WILL. 

WAKEUP BAYNIACS IT’S GAMEDAY!!! GRAB YOUR DUTCH CRUNCH SANDWICH AND GET READY TO WATCH THE BAY START A PRUNING SESSION. THE POOR-LAND THORNS AND ROBERT VILA-BLAND WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT THEM.  

LAST WEEK, THEY RAN INTO OUR EXTREMELY INNOCENT KEEPER AND GOT REWARDED FOR IT. THIS WEEK, WATCH US RUN THE SCORELINE UP. 

WE’RE GOING TO WIN! THEY CAN KEEP PORTLAND AS WEIRD AS THEY WANT, BUT SILKOWITZ IS GOING TO KEEP THEM SCORELESS. NO FLEM-BOG MIDFIELD IS SURVIVING THE CLAIRE CATHERINE HUTTON EXPERIENCE.

BECAUSE WHAT DOES PORTLAND HAVE? 3 TITLES AND YOU STILL HAVE A HISTORY OF THE MOST DISAPPOINTING KITS OUT THERE? ELECTRIC BLOOM KIT? MORE LIKE ELECTRIC GLOOM.  EVEN ED HARDY IS EMBARRASSED. A FIELD MADE OF PLASTIC & NOT A BLADE OF REAL GRASS IN SIGHT?  SURE, YOU’VE GOT THE “WORLD’S SMALLEST PARK”, BUT ITS STILL BIGGER THAN THE SPACE WE’LL GIVE THEIR MIDFIELD. YOU HAVE NO TRUE WINGERS 🪽AND YOUR LEAGUE POSITION IS ABOUT TO PLUMMET. 

SO GET READY FOR THE HUMBLING OF PORT-LAME. THE TIME OF THE ROSE HAS ENDED, THE ERA OF THE POPPY HAS BEGUN.

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!! AN NWSL AFTER DARK SHOWDOWN BETWEEN OUR FAVORITE TEAM AND THE TEAM FORMALLY KNOWN AS BOS NATION (lol). TWO CLEAN SHEETS IN A ROW IS ABOUT TO BE EXTENDED TO THREE AND I SMELL A JOELLE ANDERSON HEADER GOAL IN THE MAKING. A CLAIRE HUTTON SPIN-CYCLE. 

OUR OPPONENTS CALL THEMSELVES “LEGACY” BUT WHAT LEGACY??? YOU’VE BEEN A TEAM FOR FIVE MINUTES. YOUR LEGACY IS A BAD TEAM ANNOUNCEMENT. BOSTON LEGACY OUT HERE BUILDING HISTORY ONE BOTTOM-TABLE RESULT AT A TIME. CAMBRIDGE? MORE LIKE CAN’T-BRIDGE THE GAP IN THE STANDINGS. 

OUR ATTACK WILL MAKE YOU BUNKER IN YOUR HILL. HOPE YOU PACKED ENOUGH TEA TO SOOTHE THE BURN OF THE LOSS. PURITANS HATED FUN AND SO DOES YOUR OFFENSE. ITS ITS > BAKED BEANS. YOU’RE SO JEALOUS OF US, YOU NAMED ONE OF YOUR “BEST” NEIGHBORHOODS AFTER US.

OUR POPPY PLAYERS ARE ABOUT TO TURN YOUR “LEGACY” INTO A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. SO GRAB YOUR FRIENDS, LAYER UP, GET DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK, AND GET LOUD. FRIDAY EVENING TRAFFIC CAN’T STOP US. LET’S GO GET THREEEE POINTS!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES, MAKE YOUR MOM (CRISTINA GIRELLI) SOME PANCAKES, DO YOUR STRETCHES, AND GET EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING DOWN TO PAYPAL PARK FOR THE DEMOLITION OF UTAHHHHHHHH. EVERYONE SAID WE COULDN’T DO IT LAST WEEK, BUT RUDIE,  SILKY & THE GANG SHOWED UP AND SAID BAY-BYE TO THEIR NARRATIVE. ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE TAYLOR HUFF TOE-POKE TO BREAK THE WAVE. I’M STILL SMELLING THE SWEET FUMES OF NUTMEG. 

NOW, UTAH MAY LIVE IN HIGH ELEVATION, BUT THEIR TEAM IS ABOUT TO BE DEPRESSED. THEIR DEFENSE IS ABOUT TO CRUMBL. THEIR OFFENSE WILL BE INACTIVE (I mean less active). OUR WIN WILL BE SWEETER THAN EVERY SODALICIOUS COMBINED. 

TODAY IS THE DAY WE THROW OFF OUR UTAH CURSE AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT! SEE YOU AT PAYPAL PARK!!!

WAKE UP BAY BITCHES ITS GAMEDAY!!!!!! 4 PM MARKS THE HOUR OUR DEFENSE BECOMES A FUNCTIONING UNIT AND WE TAKE DOWN THE SAN DIEGO WAVE AND YAWNUS EIDELOL. OUR COPPER QUEEN IS BACK AND READY TO ROCKET US UP THE TABLE. OUR POTENTIAL, LIKE CHONKERS 🦭, IS MASSIVE.

YOU HAVE SUN? HAVE YOU EVER SAT ON THE SOUTHEAST SIDE OF PAYPAL PARK? YOU HAVE BEACHES? OH, ARE YOU SOMEHOW ON A DIFFERENT PACIFIC OCEAN THAN WE ARE?

YOU HAVE AS MUCH CHANCE TO WIN THE CHAMP AS THE NUMBER OF DRAINS IN YOUR STADIUM. YOU’VE COMIC-CONNED YOUR WAY TO 15 POINTS AND ITS TIME TO SAN DIEGO HOME CRYING.

THE WAVE IS JUST A MOMENT, BUT THE BAY IS FOREVER.