Holiday - first without my person
41M, lost wife at 44F 372 days ago. Had a son born sleeping 10 years ago.
Next month, I’ll be going away for the first time since she died. No noise, no chaos, no guidance, no miasma of grief waiting for me at home, I finally get to stop showing up, I get to stop performing. This is not a holiday to build memories or see sights, just a chance to be remote and reflect without influence or noise.
I need out from it all. From losing my wife, I’ve gone from arranging her funeral, dealing with the things in her name, finding the balance between brutality and sentiment with losing and keeping her belongings, finding and moving home, struggling to deal with anniversaries and firsts without her, combatting SAD, just to name a few things.
And all this within work, who have been merciful in rejecting my notice which I handed in days before she passed, allowing me to return, using nearly all bereavement and holiday pay - because that was financially necessary at the time - given me more hours on my contract so I can get by easier, but as a consequence of having little authorised holiday, I’m burnt out, my fuse is getting shorter and even though I got my releases in football, gigs and running, I have never truly switched off. I’m blessed to have the network I have; my friends, my family, her family, her friends who I still speak to, they’ve been a valuable crutch between them but it’s me that has to fight and face the day, they can’t do that for me, I can’t ask that of them.
I guess what I’m asking is (if this makes sense)- what can I ask myself? Because I don’t know where to start.