u/itsthefack

My late wife’s birthday today and I wondered about this for a long time, I never believed it, until she died. She didn’t believe so, I reckon she wouldn’t still. So I’m gonna just share this poem here if that’s OK?

——————————————————————————————

the dead have birthdays
as they live in other ways
don’t believe me?

tell it to the snow
that your footprints
cemented by your Uggs

sing it to the bells
that will forever echo
the soundtrack to our union

put a hole in that logic
with broken coils in all the beds
that pierced our bodies

so i’ll wait for the wind
to blow out the candles
as i hold on to your wish

the dead have birthdays
as they live in other ways
therefore, happy birthday

42M, lost my wife (44F) in May 2025, stillborn son in 2016.

I joined a running club in the last few months and I’ve only just started to get to know people outside of that via social gatherings.

As we got to know each other, the questions of marriage and kids was asked and as much as I wanted to lean in and give more than a concise answer, I just lied and said “no, I don’t”.

It’s such a betrayal to my family and I feel horrible for it and I’m isolated enough as it is without being stand-offish with people, and I want to be open and honest about it but I don’t know how. I don’t want to be felt sorry for, I don’t want to be checked on or anything like that. My work colleagues who helped me get my foot through the door have not mentioned it and without mentioning it myself, I trust them to keep it that way.

I know it’s a taste of things to come when meeting new people but it’s so awkward when innocent questions get asked.

42M, lost my wife (44F) last May, we had a son born sleeping in February 2016.

Historically, I don’t cope well with winter, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, my moods are an all time low, especially at work, a casual night out where the otherwise usual 3-4 becomes double figures and possibly dabbling into drugs (I don’t have a habit), I isolate myself more often, I’m no longer engaging in my vices (running, football, gigging).

Last winter was very hard, but I had distractions in the form of my wife’s legal stuff and moving house, both of these things are done and dusted and I don’t have anything to focus on.

I dread what this winter is going to look like for me.

42 today. I lost my wife 465 days ago and the only thing I wish for is to never lose this hurt, forever keep any remaining connections to her, even if my brain deteriorates. I worry that there’s a day that I would lose it, then what?

I’m going to try and be as concise as I can possibly be, but there’s no way that’s happening.

I (41M) lost my wife (44) in May last year, we also had a little boy born sleeping in February 2016. Upon recent reflection over the last four years, I have been doing nothing but swim in chaos.

My dad died back in June 2022, I didn’t take it very well and the following August and May 2023, other things bubbled to the surface and I tried to take my own life (sometimes my subconscious insists it was a cry for help).

Two days before Christmas in 2023, my wife is hospitalised with cellulitis, then catches sepsis and is put in intensive care twice, she was making a recovery and needed physiotherapy. In October 2024, she finally made it back home to recover with me juggling caregiving and a part-time job with help with care staff.

It was a struggle juggling the two and in April 2025, I made the decision to quit my job to look after her full-time, but she took a turn for the worst, she signed a form to say that if she took any more bad turns and was not of sound mind, she wouldn’t want to be admitted into hospital, despite my pleas to change her mind, it got to a point where she changed her mind one afternoon, but it was too late, she died the following early morning, I lost everything I ever wanted in life, forsaken everything else and was left with nothing.

Since then, I’ve gone from arranging her funeral to going back to the job I quit (they never accepted my resignation as they sensed something was off, which has been an amazing crutch but it’s now wearing me out) to handling probate to going through her things, our things, things to remember our little boy by to be having little distractions such as concerts, running, football to doing all of the time-honoured firsts without her to the painstaking process of moving house and through all that time in the four years, I’ve never been away from it all, I’m exhausted by it, my fuse is getting shorter, the pettiest of things is getting me emotional, I don’t know where the off switch is and even if I did, I don’t know how.

I’ve booked sometime off and I intend to get away, but I don’t know how to switch off, what questions I can ask myself and answer, even lately, I’ve forgotten how to grieve.

Where do I go from here?

41M, lost wife at 44F 372 days ago. Had a son born sleeping 10 years ago.

Next month, I’ll be going away for the first time since she died. No noise, no chaos, no guidance, no miasma of grief waiting for me at home, I finally get to stop showing up, I get to stop performing. This is not a holiday to build memories or see sights, just a chance to be remote and reflect without influence or noise.

I need out from it all. From losing my wife, I’ve gone from arranging her funeral, dealing with the things in her name, finding the balance between brutality and sentiment with losing and keeping her belongings, finding and moving home, struggling to deal with anniversaries and firsts without her, combatting SAD, just to name a few things.

And all this within work, who have been merciful in rejecting my notice which I handed in days before she passed, allowing me to return, using nearly all bereavement and holiday pay - because that was financially necessary at the time - given me more hours on my contract so I can get by easier, but as a consequence of having little authorised holiday, I’m burnt out, my fuse is getting shorter and even though I got my releases in football, gigs and running, I have never truly switched off. I’m blessed to have the network I have; my friends, my family, her family, her friends who I still speak to, they’ve been a valuable crutch between them but it’s me that has to fight and face the day, they can’t do that for me, I can’t ask that of them.

I guess what I’m asking is (if this makes sense)- what can I ask myself? Because I don’t know where to start.